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Fatherless Daughter… An excerpt from my book “Growin up Heights”

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Being that fathers day is a few weeks away, as always I have begun to think what this time of the year does to me and how it affects me. How no matter how hard I try to ignore it my mind refuses to be silent. Anything revolving around occasions where fathers are involved always tend to get to me in some way or another. Weddings, graduations, holidays and all those other days where a little girl wants or needs a dad. A child never heals from not having a father, don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise. Although that child may function just fine and mature into a balanced adult, that balance is always slightly tilted.
I know, I’m a fatherless daughter. A man may have help create me but no man raised me. That I owe to my single mother.
The effects of not having a father are many. Some positive and quite a few, negative. I can recollect the day I realized that I did not have a dad clearly, and until that day I did not realize how much I truly missed it. I was about eleven years old when the realization hit me like a cold fist to the belly.
I was at the park and a little girl fell and her father came to the rescue. He picked her up cleaned off her wounds and kissed her. He made her feel all better and the look on her face was priceless with awe and admiration. I was mesmerized by their interaction. How much he loved her and she him. It was brought home to me that I had never had a dad to do that for me. At such a young age I knew that I had no hero. That realization has affected my whole life and always will. This bears no mark on the fact that I had a good and responsible mother or that despite the lack I grew up well,with an education and a good upbringing. This is simply a testimony that as a daughter to an irresponsible man it has wounded me deeply as the woman I am and the girl I was.
Every occasion having to do with having a dad there has been a cause of pain for me. Never having a fathers attention on regular days let alone pivotal moments only reminds me that there’s a father who could have been there but never was. Not because he died or was indisposed but because he chose not to be there. I think that is the most distressing part to any child who’s irrelevant in their fathers life. The feeling of not only abandonment but the one of disregard. To know someone took part in your creation yet feels no love or need of you. The anger grows like a weed in you because although this person doesn’t care, you will never know why or what caused them, in you, to be so unloving toward one of their own.
As a daughter I wondered why he didn’t want to be my father. What did I do? Did he know I wanted a dad? Did he care that he was missing all the moments of my life. Does he know or care how much he hurt that little girl, that young woman this woman now. The truth is that I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. The truth is that even at 42 I ask them still to a resounding silence.
The effects have been numerous. Having no dad creates gaping wounds in a girl child’s soul. Every time you see a girl with her dad it has a way of setting fire to the dry embers of your fallen memories. I can go ages without thinking about it. I am blessed in many ways yet on days like fathers day, yet when I see weddings taking place or when I simply sit on a bench at the park and watch a dad console his daughter I think. Where is he now? Do I ever cross his mind? Does he care whether I’m sick or healthy or am I still only a fatherless daughter. I don’t think I’ll ever really know. Perhaps one day I will stop asking, and the silence will be mutual.

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Author:

I am a writer. My genre is poetry,although I also write short musings of life circumstances. I am a semi fashionista and an all world investigator. I observe the world and people around me intensely. A mom of 3 by nature and 4 by osmosis. I am a girlfriend a daughter a sister and most of all a fantabulous woman. Welcome to Blooville!! Enjoy the words cause the life is crazy!!

27 thoughts on “Fatherless Daughter… An excerpt from my book “Growin up Heights”

  1. a truly sad and harrowing experience to grow up without a father’s love. I still carry the effects even into my marriage. And though my father and I have reconciled now that I am grown up, I still feel for a father’s love and wish he had loved me as a child, not when I am grwon up. Haunting excerpt.

    1. Thank you Jennifer. I am currently working on my book. It is very hard to write for me but it’s something that’s been growing for a while. I’m glad you’d read it.

  2. Your writing is excellent and you made me feel what you feel. It breaks my heart because I see how much my daughter adores her father. I never want my little girl to feel what you’ve described. I don’t know why your father made the choice he did, but he’s missing out on the courageous, intelligent and spirited woman you’ve become. Keep writing!

      1. This made me teary eyed. Not for myself, but for my daughter who is also “fatherless.” Luckily I’ve met and next year will marry an amazing man that has stepped into the Dad role, but I’ll always remember the years prior – when I was both Mom & Dad. You’ve inspired me to write about that experience in light of the looming holiday!

        I stopped by your blog today to let you know I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award. It looks like you’ve got one posted up, but I wanted to recognize you from my spot on the internet because I love reading your work! The details are here: http://unfinishedbizness.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/passing-along-some-sunshine/

      2. You are too sweet. Thank you so much! I am so glad things are better and your little girl has found a dad and you a great husband.

  3. This article was a bit of a tear jerker. I’ve never had much of a relationship with my father either, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have one. I remember as a child being jealous of how my best-friend would go to her fathers house every weekend and tell me how much fun she’d had.

    I was never really sure why our relationship was so distant. We had very little contact, and from the ages of 15-20 I had zero contact with him what so ever. However out of the blue he called me on my 20th B-day this year to say happy B-day as if he had been present all the while. Whether than being happy to hear from him, it just made me wonder if he had intentionally chosen not to call me the previous years. Surprisingly when we had that first conversation I didn’t confront him at all. Instead I just wished him the best in life and told him to give me a call sometime.

    My point is I think I’ve finally come to terms with being fatherless. I don’t think he and I would EVER be able to have a “normal” father and daughter relationship, and if we were to try after all of this time, it would probably just be really awkward. All I can do is move on and do the best for myself.Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it certainly helps….

    1. I agree. As far as my father is concerned we had no relationship at all and although there is pain related to it all I no longer want one. I have made peace with this and I’m ok. We will be just fine.. 🙂

  4. It’s like I’m reading my life… I’m also a fatherless daughter since I was born. And you greatly describe what my feelings as a fatherless woman. I’m now 40 years old and still feel pain when it comes father issue. A part of life how I wish I have but never had.

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