Why do we need it?
Why do we want it and how hard is it when we don’t get it?
For me it’s been very hard after two years and three months of my life to have a person I thought I shared love with, a life with to disappear on me without a word. I find it so hard to believe that a person could fool another so completely that the other person is completely blindsided. I was blindsided. I never believed in a million years this would be how things would end in any relationship much less mine.
I have been left to unpack all of this on my own. To dig inside myself and find what in me allowed this to happen. What signs did love blind me to and the truth is that, there were many. I chose not to listen. I chose instead to try to fix it, help him fix himself. Try to solve all his problems and lift him as much as I could with my own broken arms because we are all broken in some way.
Some of us however don’t choose to break others to heal ourselves, some do. And some broken people just don’t know how to love you because they never felt loved. To some of them love is foreign. Some people will blame every person they come across who shows them love for what they suffered in order to make it easier to use you or discard you once they get what they’ve wanted all along. Some will re-live their childhood traumas all of their lives in order to avoid being responsible for their actions or who they hurt in the process.
Some people simply can’t love those who they know can leave them. They push them to the point where they finally leave and then accuse them of leaving as justification for how they treated them, see all women leave! All men leave! But refuse to see that part they played in being left. If that does not work they do what’s famous now, they ghost you. Leave without a shred of information. Leaving you to wonder why in self doubt and usually plenty of pain to go around. Letting you pick up the pieces alone.
I have suffered through this and although I wanted closure I no longer need it. I know what I brought to the table and it wasn’t perfect but it was good. I gave all I had in every aspect and he would be lying and shaming the devil if he said it wasn’t so.
I am good.
I can move on now and heal myself because I’m not about the vengeance. All that does is traumatize the soul. I don’t need that. Love and light heals and not all of it has to be romantic although I will love again. I always find a way to love again for I don’t carry baggage around to any new love.
I have stored the good times I think we had in a box. Left the bad times under the sun where they will be cleansed and eventually dissipate. Life is good. It’s time to continue on my path.
These bags have been dropped off.
I’m 50 and I am moving forward.