I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?
To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.
Being honest even when you think it will hurt.
Trusting and keeping your word.
.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.
What do you call love?
There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.
The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.
Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.
This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!
This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.
What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.