Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.
As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light. I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.
Changes are something that seems to come weather you want it or not. Sometimes you see it coming, the necessity of it loud and clear.
The time has come for change.
It can be any type of change for anything and still take you by surprise and be completely unexpected yet somehow you know. You know when something is not working and when it needs to change, when you need to change.
You must be willing to do what you must without fear of how it will affect anyone else or their situation. I am not speaking of cruelty here or of not caring about people in general. I am speaking of doing what’s right for you. What makes you happy and leads you toward the purpose you find you are here for. Those are the greatest questions one must ask.
What makes you happy? Why are you here and what is your purpose. What do you want to get out of this life?
These questions have been plaguing me as of late. Breaking my concentration every time I find myself in a situation I know I don’t want to be in or doing something I don’t want to do. That’s where the knowing begins to surface and grow like a weed in your psyche. Making you unhappy. A symptom of being in a situation you don’t want to be in. A flashlight if you will on what you need to change. Those are poignant moments of clarity and we need to listen clearly and openly because they’re doors to we need to go through, roads we need to follow. Breadcrumbs in the forest of our destiny.
Over the last two weeks my life has changed quite a bit. Good things and not so good things have happened and I am trying to flow with life’s waves and jump its hurdles with dignity and strength. The fact is that we all go through issues on a daily basis that we tell no one about. We bob and weave with our problems working hard to avoid the worst. I am one of these. I refuse to run around singing my woes to the world. I much rather buckle down and work through the drama and let karma do the rest.
So now I have a new journey to begin and much to think about. What I need to get there and how are the most prominent of those thoughts. I think on it daily and sometime soon it will come to me I’m sure. I am working hard on being positive and controlling my bitch mode because I have a bad one and if I set her free heads will roll so that is a focus as well. The motto must be this too shall pass. Maintaining control is the answer here and not letting anything sway you from getting to where you need to be. I know that some day soon I will be giving thanks for the lessons issues bring. Not yet, but soon.
Sometimes you just need a break. A break from everything you are and everything people want you to be and do. I am sure at some moment in our lives we all feel the same, just a break. From yesterday and last week, from tomorrow and what might be.
Today I woke in my hotel room overlooking the Duomo. I asked for pancetta,bruschetta and tea from room service and slowly ate sitting on the small yet quaint veranda in my room still dressed in pajamas welcoming the sun. I have no agenda. I plan to take the day as it comes. I am in Florence Italy where I have dreamt of being for years and I will not waste my time making plans. I am here for eight days and after I leave here I will have eight days in Rome. Immersing myself in the lifestyle is my main objective here and I intend to do just that. I will smell every scent,taste every flavor and thoroughly enjoy every site. This is the place of my dreams where I can see my art and language combine. My place,where my dreams have come to be made real.
This is what the entry on my 50th birthday will look like when I go to Italy for the very first time.I have spoken it and wrote it and it will be so.
May all your dreams come true.
It’s not every day that you actually take the time to look at yourself. I mean really revise who you are and what you’re about in life. Most of the time we are consumed with life and our daily responsibilities, too consumed for deep thought and the excavation required to really know oneself, or so we tell ourselves. Today has been one of those days for me. I woke with a need for change. A desperate need to make something different of me. I look at my life and see clearly that there is something missing. Something that had nothing to do with anyone or anything else but me. I believe every need for change has only one common denominator and that is the person who feels that need. Every once in a while you look at yourself and the picture doesn’t match exactly what you think it should so the questions begin.
Now, before we get off on the wrong foot this is not about feeling useless or as I have no place in the world. I know I am much and have accomplished much of what I have been sent to this planet to do. I have raised three great kids and have done my share of good in this world.
I am a strong woman. That is who I am. I am someone who is impossible to control, it’s a complete waste of time for anyone to even entertain the possibility much less accomplish it. I am honest to a fault and I value my relationships ferociously. I am of sound mind if not so sound of body since being on dialysis has taken some of that, still sound enough and on the road to recovering that. I am a great many things just like everyone else with my own set of characteristics which makes us all individual. It’s how I’m seen by others that brings me to the page today.I know I am no weak soul. I have dealt with much and survive it well. I manage to keep smiling and living just fine with Gods good favor.
Still. Have you ever had someone describe you in a way that made you wonder who in the world they’re looking at? That is what happened to me today as I was questioning myself and analyzing where my life is and where the changes need to come in. I was speaking to a friend and this is their description of me.
” You have a passion that will carry a person with you. If that person can’t keep up they are left lost and stranded right where they are. You are an independent person so if that person can’t keep the pace you will move on. Moving on without that someone is not something a lot of people can do. Many people would prefer to be unhappy in an ok situation once they’re with the person they love than leave that person behind, hoping the rest of their lives that something will change. You make your own future, it’s not normal, it makes you dangerous to the hearts of mortal men”.
I was dumbfounded by this description. Never have I seen myself in such a light and still can’t wrap my head around it. I know some of these statements are true. I have no problem leaving a situation that hurts me or a person I can’t make a future with. I am very independent and I try to make my own future. I don’t know about being dangerous to the hearts of mortal men lol, but it’s a lovely thought.
Still the nagging need for change is persistent and I feel the winds turning. I have not done everything I am here to do and this is the quest I am on now.
Working is not enough.
Being a parent is not enough.
Being a writer on dialysis is not enough.
These things are simply incidentals of life and we are all accomplishing on a daily basis even if we don’t think so. Something is coming for me although at this moment I have not the slightest inkling what it might be. All I can do is hope to be ready when it comes.
To be the change I would like to see in the world and be worthy of such honorable descriptions.Peace.
Player of words, artist of emotions.
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" Your body is your temple"
Art, Poetry, Metaphysics, Philosophy, Writing, Spirituality
A Personified Narrative : Defying Reality. Sketching Imageries.
Surviving Organized Criminals and being here to tell ONLY by the power and choice of God.. HalleluYah!!
Poetry with meter that rhymes!
Happiness is contagious, spread it.