Posted in artist, author, blogging, change, character, create, dating, emotions, empowerment, faith, fear, feelings, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, listening, love, opinion, Relationships, self, selflove, tips, trust, truth, writer, writing

Don’t change for the world…

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There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.
The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.
Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.
This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.
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Posted in author, blogging, connection, create, emotions, empowerment, fear, feelings, healing, honesty, hope, life, love, lovers, loyalty, needs, passion, poet, poetry, Relationships, sex, stories, trust, truth, writer, writing

Wolf

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He’s offered it to me
His savagery
Blazed in the wolf
beneath the human mask
Howls of hunger
feed on my skin and bone
Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white
Desire is the master of fear
and it tests me
 it’s shadow coats me in dreams
Oh…yes
Traces of your tongue deep as you
Bite down on my offering
Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst
a carnivore
The first man
awakens me
In a piercing moment
I am fed
Posted in adventure, artist, author, blogging, change, community, create, empowerment, faith, Friends, friendship, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, passion, poet, poetry, russia, train, transsiberianrailway, transsiberianwriters, travel, tripofalifetime, truth, writer, writing

Day 5: Transsiberian writing through Russia

Birdie,
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!

 

This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.

What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.

Posted in author, faith, friendship, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, lovers, passion, poet, poetry, sex, writing

sexy20couple

like the softest of winds
in the darkness unseen
smooth and sudden he became my sin
black velvet body
smile like a king
drawing me in
I’m suffocating
chasing
expanding
creating
edible dreams
sugar and whipped cream solutions
for the disapproval of kin
command me to be well
as i worship his skin
a thousand touches
for the unquenchable thirst within
love given and returned
in the span of a head spin
out of control
before skin met skin
shall we begin
again
again
and again

 

Posted in author, blogging, fear, healing, health, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, poet, poetry, stories, Uncategorized, writer, writing

The cycle


Breaking the cycle 

Is not easy 

The wheel you go around in has spokes

and is perfectly round, so hard to stop

once it gets rolling

trampling everything in its wake

even when you love it

you can still step on it 

Breaking it. 

Posted in author, blogging, change, daily do's, dialysis, empowerment, faith, fear, friendship, healing, health, honesty, hope, illness, kidney disease, learning, life, love, plannerperfect, planning, recovery, stories, transplant, truth, writer, writing

Organizing my Life…On the transplant road

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          Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is  blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.

As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light.  I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.

Posted in author, blogging, empowerment, faith, fear, friendship, healing, honesty, hope, motherhood, truth, writer, writing

How to grow….. Effective Change

    change wordle     

         Changes are something that seems to come weather you want it or not. Sometimes you see it coming, the necessity of it loud and clear.

The time has come for change.

It can be any type of change for anything and still take you by surprise and be completely unexpected yet somehow you know. You know when something is not working and when it needs to change, when you need to change. 

BUT HOW?

  • How do you take those first difficult steps to make effective and lasting change?
  • What gives you the strength and purpose to move forward. You must be brave, I find.

You must be willing to do what you must without fear of how it will affect anyone else or their situation. I am not speaking of cruelty here or of not caring about people in general. I am speaking of doing what’s right for you. What makes you happy and leads you toward the purpose you find you are here for. Those are the greatest questions one must ask.

What makes you happy? Why are you here and what is your purpose. What do you want to get out of this life?

These questions have been plaguing me as of late. Breaking my concentration every time I find myself in a situation I know I don’t want to be in or doing something I don’t want to do. That’s where the knowing begins to surface and grow like a weed in your psyche. Making you unhappy. A symptom of being in a situation you don’t want to be in. A flashlight if you will on what you need to change. Those are poignant moments of clarity and we need to listen clearly and openly because they’re doors to we need to go through, roads we need to follow. Breadcrumbs in the forest of our destiny.