It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!
This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.
What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.
like the softest of winds
in the darkness unseen
smooth and sudden he became my sin
black velvet body
smile like a king
drawing me in
sugar and whipped cream solutions
for the disapproval of kin
command me to be well
as i worship his skin
a thousand touches
for the unquenchable thirst within
love given and returned
in the span of a head spin
out of control
before skin met skin
shall we begin
Breaking the cycle
Is not easy
The wheel you go around in has spokes
and is perfectly round, so hard to stop
once it gets rolling
trampling everything in its wake
even when you love it
you can still step on it
Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.
As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light. I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.
Changes are something that seems to come weather you want it or not. Sometimes you see it coming, the necessity of it loud and clear.
The time has come for change.
It can be any type of change for anything and still take you by surprise and be completely unexpected yet somehow you know. You know when something is not working and when it needs to change, when you need to change.
- How do you take those first difficult steps to make effective and lasting change?
- What gives you the strength and purpose to move forward. You must be brave, I find.
You must be willing to do what you must without fear of how it will affect anyone else or their situation. I am not speaking of cruelty here or of not caring about people in general. I am speaking of doing what’s right for you. What makes you happy and leads you toward the purpose you find you are here for. Those are the greatest questions one must ask.
What makes you happy? Why are you here and what is your purpose. What do you want to get out of this life?
These questions have been plaguing me as of late. Breaking my concentration every time I find myself in a situation I know I don’t want to be in or doing something I don’t want to do. That’s where the knowing begins to surface and grow like a weed in your psyche. Making you unhappy. A symptom of being in a situation you don’t want to be in. A flashlight if you will on what you need to change. Those are poignant moments of clarity and we need to listen clearly and openly because they’re doors to we need to go through, roads we need to follow. Breadcrumbs in the forest of our destiny.
Over the last two weeks my life has changed quite a bit. Good things and not so good things have happened and I am trying to flow with life’s waves and jump its hurdles with dignity and strength. The fact is that we all go through issues on a daily basis that we tell no one about. We bob and weave with our problems working hard to avoid the worst. I am one of these. I refuse to run around singing my woes to the world. I much rather buckle down and work through the drama and let karma do the rest.
So now I have a new journey to begin and much to think about. What I need to get there and how are the most prominent of those thoughts. I think on it daily and sometime soon it will come to me I’m sure. I am working hard on being positive and controlling my bitch mode because I have a bad one and if I set her free heads will roll so that is a focus as well. The motto must be this too shall pass. Maintaining control is the answer here and not letting anything sway you from getting to where you need to be. I know that some day soon I will be giving thanks for the lessons issues bring. Not yet, but soon.
Sometimes you just need a break. A break from everything you are and everything people want you to be and do. I am sure at some moment in our lives we all feel the same, just a break. From yesterday and last week, from tomorrow and what might be.
Today I woke in my hotel room overlooking the Duomo. I asked for pancetta,bruschetta and tea from room service and slowly ate sitting on the small yet quaint veranda in my room still dressed in pajamas welcoming the sun. I have no agenda. I plan to take the day as it comes. I am in Florence Italy where I have dreamt of being for years and I will not waste my time making plans. I am here for eight days and after I leave here I will have eight days in Rome. Immersing myself in the lifestyle is my main objective here and I intend to do just that. I will smell every scent,taste every flavor and thoroughly enjoy every site. This is the place of my dreams where I can see my art and language combine. My place,where my dreams have come to be made real.
This is what the entry on my 50th birthday will look like when I go to Italy for the very first time.I have spoken it and wrote it and it will be so.
May all your dreams come true.