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Journals

I have always journaled. For over 45 years now that I think on it. I began at about 15 years old and I’m currently 51 so. It has always been a passion for me. I have had a long love affair with the paper and the pen. It is my form of meditation and it is deeply embedded in my soul. I don’t feel whole if I have not written each day. I’ve had countless journals and my life is written down in many forms. I don’t only write. I paint, collage and draw as well. Whatever catches my eye, mind or heart ends up between the pages eventually. Here are a few of my current journals.

My current journals
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Lady in Waiting

He said he would call. He always said it, I will call you later babe. I believed him every time. I will call you as soon as the event is over, as soon as I get out of work, as soon as I have a minute. the problem is he never had a minute, for me anyway. when he finally called it was always hours later when I had already worried almost to death and went through every scenario in my head.

Sometimes I would give in and just call only to find out he’d been home for hours and had even slept without so much as a thought of calling me. Of course, if I was upset there was always a convenient play by play to make me feel unreasonable or even stupid for questioning his actions.

My phone was almost dead. 
I was at 1 percent.
I figured I’d rest first so we could talk later.
I was so busy. 
I just wanted to get home.
I don’t have my phone like that.
I don’t really like to text that much.

And then I realized. everything just kicked in after I read a book called He’s just not that into you. All his excuses added up into one neat conversation in my head.
I didn’t want to call you because I don’t respect you. To me, you are not important enough and simply, I’m just not that into you. There was nothing else to contemplate.
The knowledge hit me like a punch to the gut because when we care about someone we create this fantasy in our heads. A story of a unrealistic happily ever after that if we took some actual time to read the signs had never materialized in the relationship in the first place. 

I really began to analyze this one-sided relationship for what it was. Me begging to be loved. Me, expecting someone else to love the way I love. To react the way I would react. Expecting this man to give me the love I knew I deserved but he was not ready or desiring to give, to me.

And that was my issue.

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A Lesson in Broken Hearts

Closure.

 Why do we need it?

 Why do we want it and how hard is it when we don’t get it? 


For me it’s been very hard after two years and three months of my life to have a person I thought I shared love with, a life with to disappear on me without a word. I find it so hard to believe that a person could fool another so completely that the other person is completely blindsided. I was blindsided. I never believed in a million years this would be how things would end in any relationship much less mine. 


I have been left to unpack all of this on my own. To dig inside myself and find what in me allowed this to happen. What signs did love blind me to and the truth is that, there were many. I chose not to listen. I chose instead to try to fix it, help him fix himself. Try to solve all his problems and lift him as much as I could with my own broken arms because we are all broken in some way.


 Some of us however don’t choose to break others to heal ourselves, some do. And some broken people just don’t know how to love you because they never felt loved. To some of them love is foreign. Some people will blame every person they come across who shows them love for what they suffered in order to make it easier to use you or discard you once they get what they’ve wanted all along. Some will re-live their childhood traumas all of their lives in order to avoid being responsible for their actions or who they hurt in the process. 


Some people simply can’t love those who they know can leave them. They push them to the point where they finally leave and then accuse them of leaving as justification for how they treated them, see all women leave! All men leave! But refuse to see that part they played in being left. If that does not work they do what’s famous now, they ghost you. Leave without a shred of information. Leaving you to wonder why in self doubt and usually plenty of pain to go around. Letting you pick up the pieces alone. 
I have suffered through this and although I wanted closure I no longer need it. I know what I brought to the table and it wasn’t perfect but it was good. I gave all I had in every aspect and he would be lying and shaming the devil if he said it wasn’t so. 


I am good. 


I can move on now and heal myself because I’m not about the vengeance. All that does is traumatize the soul. I don’t need that. Love and light heals and not all of it has to be romantic although I will love again. I always find a way to love again for I don’t carry baggage around to any new love. 
 I have stored the good times I think we had in a box. Left the bad times under the sun where they will be cleansed and eventually dissipate. Life is good. It’s time to continue on my path.

These bags have been dropped off. 
I’m 50 and I am moving forward. 

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A Minimalist View… The beginning

Recently I had been thinking about my life and the way I live it. What my purpose is and how I approach life in general. A couple of months ago I came across a youtube video which made me reflect deeply on where I want to go in life. This video focused on the subject of minimalism, living your life intentionally and a minimalist lifestyle. It spoke to me in a way that changed how I look at what it means to really live your life. How we tend to live our lives through our possessions more than our experiences. Putting the value in what we have more than who we are as beings taking space on this planet

The video focused on living with less and how you could live much more intentionally when you focused less on what you have and more on how you live. I decided that was worth trying and decided then and there I would try the minimalist lifestyle. I would give it a shot after all what did I have to loose? My life felt overcrowded for quite a while anyway and I was ready for a change. Ready to see what really makes me happy. I already knew it wasn’t things that make me wake up every morning. It’s never been things for me. There was a time when I thought so and therefore I crowded my life with everything I thought I loved.

The first step was to get a hold on as much information as I could bout this movement I had never heard of. It seemed to me the most interesting subject I had heard about in a long while and I was truly intrigued. After watching several videos on the subject from a minimalist I. found called Matt D’Avella I learned this was a whole movement and even a film on the subject on Netflix called Minimalist. I watched the film and the whole aspect of it blew me away. Minimalism seems be just what I have been looking for and I have begun the journey to a more intentional life because of it. It has begun and I want to take you on this journey with me. Every week I intend to write a blog on this new change. I hope you enjoy it and if you read it I certainly hope you get something out of it as I certainly will.

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Strength as Punishment

  This has been on my mind for a while now and since I have not written a blog in quite a while I thought I would write now about a subject I have dealt with all of my life  and still deal with almost daily.
Are you a person who everyone in your family sees as strong?
Do your friends just love telling you how no matter what you go through, you will be just fine because you can handle anything?
Are you seen as the super person in you world?
Yeah, me too. I have gone through plenty and if you’re one of these assumed super people I am positive you have too. I won’t going detail as to how much I have been through. If you want to know just read my posts entitled On the transplant road and you will get the gist of just one of my adventures. Those times are not the reason for this post. We have all been through it. Some more than most.
The reason for this post is how people treat you because they see your strength and never see you break. They don’t see it and so assume you never do. Its almost as if you’re being punished for being strong and standing in the face of adversity.  I can’t count the people who ran from me during my dialysis days and my consequent kidney transplant because it affected “them” Even those who see you struggle and see your pain believe that because you don’t ask for comfort, you don’t need it. Sometimes almost as if you don’t have the right to feel weakness, sorrow or pain. That because you smile and walk when they would fall you couldn’t possibly fell it as deeply as they would it they were you. It would kill them they say. But you are different the say, as if you’re literally impregnable and able to sustain anything without feeling it or suffering any type of consequence.
Surprise! That is the farthest thing from the truth. It is the strongest among us that need the comfort, the love and attention which will in turn build our strength for all those who continue to need and take of our strength. We are your warriors! The ones who fight the fight when you fall. Who pick you up and help you see the possible in the impossible. However, all we seem to get is the “nah, you’ll be alright. You’re strong” and that is the greatest disservice you can do to a strong person because that’s when we loose faith in remaining strong. An empty cup gives nothing and if you don’t replenish the strong who will be there when you need us?
I ask you as one of the strong, that you give to those in your life who you feel are always strong. You don’t know their fight or how far they are from the breaking point. You may be the one to keep them from the edge because they will not tell you. Stop taking without giving or one day you will come to a locked door where the one behind it is empty and no longer answers the call. The strong do not always survive on strength alone.
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The Rise and Fall…Emotions

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Emotions can be a wonderful and troubling thing all at once. They can exalt you and teach you taking you so high that you believe you will never come down. On the other hand they can also damage or even destroy your ability to see all of the possibilities and potential you might have as a person in this world depending  on the impact they have to your state of mind.
My question is what is a healthy emotional way to be. What is the most healthy way to react to the things that can alter your emotional well being?How do you reconcile your desire to love with all your heart, to give all you have and yet maintain that rather complicated balance within yourself not to give so much of the self that you loose yourself. I have read enough books to know what I’m doing wrong. I have meditated on my choices and decisions many times. I have prayed and have figured out where I’ve gone wrong. The problem is that knowing is not doing. You can be the wisest of people and still have no clue as to how to handle your own life but more than that, your own heart. We are all clear in the mind for the most part, we even know how it affects us. I find it is the heart which we often allow to steer us sometimes for the better but many times for the worst. This is something I am certain of having experienced on a personal level and not just once. This is what causes turmoil and an incessant amount of questions within us often causing us sleep and pain.
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I am a certified emotional being. When I love it is complete to the point where I have felt physically part of the person I love. My world seems so balanced as to be on the verge of perfection and I want to fix their world too. I want to make them feel full and loved. To want for nothing I can possibly provide. This person becomes someone I want to know and be known by completely because in my perspective you get into a relationship with the intent of making it lasting one. And even if it does not a lifetime it would only mean you were separated by death or something detrimental which could have no other result but separation. That’s not to say that one has to be married in order for that to happen. I have seen many couples last a lifetime with no contract between them but love. I am old fashioned in the way that  when I love, I fully believe we must put our all into it. Sometimes we loose the gamble but that’s what it is in the end. Everything is a gamble and we choose to bet. We all bet on love with hopes to win.
When someone hurts me it’s as if they have bled me and left me to either fight to survive or die. Neither are good and balance must be had. I can honestly say that I have been a roller coaster of emotions many times.  I have allowed my emotions to guide my steps and even prevent me from being the person I know I could be if I allowed myself to put myself first instead of the one I love. I have allowed uncomfortable situations for affection, menial comfort and keeping the boat from rocking while my mind burned and my heart ached. That’s a pretty bad state to find oneself in. Times where I’ve felt utterly disregarded and disrespected yet never had my reasons or feelings acknowledged or validated because people always find a why for what they do even if it’s wrong or even better if they can a way to negate your feelings in their entirety simply because it suits the purpose of not seeing wrong in oneself.
As I age however my needs I realize along with my desire to please are changing. I am slowly growing tired of pleasing. Of giving myself fully with every intention of creating something lasting.  Of putting my heart on the line and getring nothing for my troubles. I realize this thing in me some way must die. It must be extinguished so that my mind might somehow find balance with my heart. I must be more willing to release and let go and allow short term pain for long term growth. I must learn that not everyone is for you. Not everyone sees your worth but I also know that the right one will. That perhaps as you lay crying and hurt wondering why someone who you care for can’t see or refuses to see your heart that in turn there are many someones out there feeling the same way as you and you are not alone. Or at the very best and with all your heart you hope the person you have chosen to lay next to and it is a choice, will realize what they have and what they have been given choosing to repair the situation before it’s lost.