Posted in adventure, blogging, book, change, connection, create, emotions, empowerment, faith, fear, feelings, healing, help, honesty, hope, kidney disease, learning, life, listening, love, needs, opinion, recovery, self, selflove, simplicity, stories, tips, transplant, trust, truth, writer, writing


I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:

Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.

I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:

What is my purpose? 

Am I doing it right?

Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?

I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.

Happy journey!

Posted in artist, author, blogging, character, companionship, connection, couples, create, dating, diolog, emotions, empowerment, faith, fear, feelings, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, listening, love, lovers, loyalty, needs, opinion, self, selflove, simplicity, trust, writer, writing

What is love? Questions…


I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?

To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.

44Being honest even when you think it will hurt.

Trusting and keeping your word.

.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.

What do you call love?

Posted in adventure, blogging, change, emotions, empowerment, faith, fear, feelings, healing, health, honesty, hope, illness, kidney disease, learning, life, recovery, self, transplant, truth, writing

Things to deal with: After the transplant road…



Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.

Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.

To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

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Don’t change for the world…

There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.
The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.
Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.
This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.
Posted in author, blogging, connection, create, emotions, empowerment, fear, feelings, healing, honesty, hope, life, love, lovers, loyalty, needs, passion, poet, poetry, Relationships, sex, stories, trust, truth, writer, writing


He’s offered it to me
His savagery
Blazed in the wolf
beneath the human mask
Howls of hunger
feed on my skin and bone
Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white
Desire is the master of fear
and it tests me
 it’s shadow coats me in dreams
Traces of your tongue deep as you
Bite down on my offering
Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst
a carnivore
The first man
awakens me
In a piercing moment
I am fed
Posted in adventure, artist, author, blogging, change, community, create, empowerment, faith, Friends, friendship, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, passion, poet, poetry, russia, train, transsiberianrailway, transsiberianwriters, travel, tripofalifetime, truth, writer, writing

Day 5: Transsiberian writing through Russia

It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!


This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.

What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.

Posted in blogging, change, faith, honesty, hope, life, poet, poetry, stories, writer, writing

Day 4 of the Transsiberian Railroad adventure!

Its been a beautiful yet exhausting day. Ladies and gents we’re on the train! And its amazeballs!!

My little room!