He said he would call. He always said it, I will call you later babe. I believed him every time. I will call you as soon as the event is over, as soon as I get out of work, as soon as I have a minute. the problem is he never had a minute, for me anyway. when he finally called it was always hours later when I had already worried almost to death and went through every scenario in my head.
Sometimes I would give in and just call only to find out he’d been home for hours and had even slept without so much as a thought of calling me. Of course, if I was upset there was always a convenient play by play to make me feel unreasonable or even stupid for questioning his actions.
My phone was almost dead.
I was at 1 percent.
I figured I’d rest first so we could talk later.
I was so busy.
I just wanted to get home.
I don’t have my phone like that.
I don’t really like to text that much.
And then I realized. everything just kicked in after I read a book called He’s just not that into you. All his excuses added up into one neat conversation in my head.
I didn’t want to call you because I don’t respect you. To me, you are not important enough and simply, I’m just not that into you. There was nothing else to contemplate.
The knowledge hit me like a punch to the gut because when we care about someone we create this fantasy in our heads. A story of a unrealistic happily ever after that if we took some actual time to read the signs had never materialized in the relationship in the first place.
I really began to analyze this one-sided relationship for what it was. Me begging to be loved. Me, expecting someone else to love the way I love. To react the way I would react. Expecting this man to give me the love I knew I deserved but he was not ready or desiring to give, to me.
And that was my issue.