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Strength as Punishment

  This has been on my mind for a while now and since I have not written a blog in quite a while I thought I would write now about a subject I have dealt with all of my life  and still deal with almost daily.
Are you a person who everyone in your family sees as strong?
Do your friends just love telling you how no matter what you go through, you will be just fine because you can handle anything?
Are you seen as the super person in you world?
Yeah, me too. I have gone through plenty and if you’re one of these assumed super people I am positive you have too. I won’t going detail as to how much I have been through. If you want to know just read my posts entitled On the transplant road and you will get the gist of just one of my adventures. Those times are not the reason for this post. We have all been through it. Some more than most.
The reason for this post is how people treat you because they see your strength and never see you break. They don’t see it and so assume you never do. Its almost as if you’re being punished for being strong and standing in the face of adversity.  I can’t count the people who ran from me during my dialysis days and my consequent kidney transplant because it affected “them” Even those who see you struggle and see your pain believe that because you don’t ask for comfort, you don’t need it. Sometimes almost as if you don’t have the right to feel weakness, sorrow or pain. That because you smile and walk when they would fall you couldn’t possibly fell it as deeply as they would it they were you. It would kill them they say. But you are different the say, as if you’re literally impregnable and able to sustain anything without feeling it or suffering any type of consequence.
Surprise! That is the farthest thing from the truth. It is the strongest among us that need the comfort, the love and attention which will in turn build our strength for all those who continue to need and take of our strength. We are your warriors! The ones who fight the fight when you fall. Who pick you up and help you see the possible in the impossible. However, all we seem to get is the “nah, you’ll be alright. You’re strong” and that is the greatest disservice you can do to a strong person because that’s when we loose faith in remaining strong. An empty cup gives nothing and if you don’t replenish the strong who will be there when you need us?
I ask you as one of the strong, that you give to those in your life who you feel are always strong. You don’t know their fight or how far they are from the breaking point. You may be the one to keep them from the edge because they will not tell you. Stop taking without giving or one day you will come to a locked door where the one behind it is empty and no longer answers the call. The strong do not always survive on strength alone.
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Day 5: Transsiberian writing through Russia

Birdie,
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!

 

This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.

What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.

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like the softest of winds
in the darkness unseen
smooth and sudden he became my sin
black velvet body
smile like a king
drawing me in
I’m suffocating
chasing
expanding
creating
edible dreams
sugar and whipped cream solutions
for the disapproval of kin
command me to be well
as i worship his skin
a thousand touches
for the unquenchable thirst within
love given and returned
in the span of a head spin
out of control
before skin met skin
shall we begin
again
again
and again

 

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Organizing my Life…On the transplant road

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          Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is  blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.

As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light.  I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.

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A Place of Ones Own

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I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.

I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones.  A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!

What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?

Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.

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The Method to Our Madness

Have you ever found something that impacts you to a level that you just need to share it with the world? Something so beautiful and inspiring that it simply makes your creative spirit soar?
Everyone knows I am a writer and poet and love more than anything to be organized and plan what I want to do with my life, how to do it and to dream of the future. Eight months ago I came across Planner Perfect by Jenny Lind Penton. A method of planning that has changed my life. I had used other ways of planning all my life but I never found something that suited me as her method does. Jenny has found a way to help you organize  not only your life but to include your dreams in your plans. She has taught me and countless women to write a better story. There is no better feeling for an artist than to be able to dream. To see your inspiration and aspirations on paper and be able to make a plan of action to develop them and bring them to life. For me that has to be the best part of the method. However I would be remiss if I did not tell you that what caught my eye first was the beauty and quality of Jenny’s plan books. There is nothing that I can say which would do justice to her level of craftsmanship. Her art is magnificent and so beautiful. You just have to see it for yourself to believe it. She blends beauty with functionality and brings forth a product of excellent quality. If you are a planner and want to find a new way to further your dreams, this is it. Take my word for it for I don’t give it lightly. The Planner Perfect Method is a whole new and excellent way to plan and I have never been more exited about my dreams and future.