I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:
Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.
I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:
What is my purpose?
Am I doing it right?
Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?
I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.
I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?
To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.
Being honest even when you think it will hurt.
Trusting and keeping your word.
.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.
What do you call love?
Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.
Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.
To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Have you ever sat down and really thought about this?
Have you honestly asked yourself this question and answered it beyond the basic such as wanting a house or car?
What does your heart really want?
We all want the comforts that make life easier, this is no debate. Your passion and what you want to live and not just exist is another.
My passion is to write honestly about my thoughts as I navigate through life. My desire is to do it well in all its forms. But what I want is a hodge podge of things. Health and financial stability for all the ones I love? Of course but we are talking about the core of me here. This is a broad subject and sometimes I don’t even know everything I want in life so let us talk a little about everything, shall we? and since I am a poet usually forcused on all types of love please forgive me if I veer that way ever so often. Let us talk…
What do you want out of love?
We all know love ain’t simple infact it’s quite complicated on so many levels it can scare a monk out of his robes in seconds. It’s also beautiful and when it works, miraculous.
This is what I want from love.
I want and deserve an honest love.
True to the core. Honesty begets love to me.
An honest love is just that. Everything laid out on the table between two people who decide to take a chance one one another.
Nothing hidden or unmentioned.
Clear like crystal glasses on the mantel.
I want you to be who you say you are and do what you say you are going to do.
Be about it. Whatever that is.
Go for what you want and take what needs to be taken.
Be yourself and when it comes to me, play no games.
If you want me show me.
That which goes unsaid goes undone and mind readers, if there are any, are few.
If I have to lead and make every move, every text and every phone call we are at a loss because I give what I am given.
Interest must be shown to be reciprocated. In my world I’m all about 100 in all I do. We must meet in the middle.
Leave your past where it belongs. Come into this relationship brand new and I will do the same. This does not mean you dont talk about what has influenced your life. We must do this in order to grow and know what needs to be changed.
Focus on us.
Know what you want from your relationship and make it known.
Be attentive, especially if they’re attentive to you.
Keep it 100, please! If you want or don’t want something articulate it. It’s not that hard. We make it complicated. Most people don’t like complicated. I’m one that’s why my truth flows so easily.
Love when it’s honest is simple. Now that I have answered my own question I ask you….
Really think. Now ask yourself, what do I want?