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The Rise and Fall…Emotions

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Emotions can be a wonderful and troubling thing all at once. They can exalt you and teach you taking you so high that you believe you will never come down. On the other hand they can also damage or even destroy your ability to see all of the possibilities and potential you might have as a person in this world depending  on the impact they have to your state of mind.
My question is what is a healthy emotional way to be. What is the most healthy way to react to the things that can alter your emotional well being?How do you reconcile your desire to love with all your heart, to give all you have and yet maintain that rather complicated balance within yourself not to give so much of the self that you loose yourself. I have read enough books to know what I’m doing wrong. I have meditated on my choices and decisions many times. I have prayed and have figured out where I’ve gone wrong. The problem is that knowing is not doing. You can be the wisest of people and still have no clue as to how to handle your own life but more than that, your own heart. We are all clear in the mind for the most part, we even know how it affects us. I find it is the heart which we often allow to steer us sometimes for the better but many times for the worst. This is something I am certain of having experienced on a personal level and not just once. This is what causes turmoil and an incessant amount of questions within us often causing us sleep and pain.
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I am a certified emotional being. When I love it is complete to the point where I have felt physically part of the person I love. My world seems so balanced as to be on the verge of perfection and I want to fix their world too. I want to make them feel full and loved. To want for nothing I can possibly provide. This person becomes someone I want to know and be known by completely because in my perspective you get into a relationship with the intent of making it lasting one. And even if it does not a lifetime it would only mean you were separated by death or something detrimental which could have no other result but separation. That’s not to say that one has to be married in order for that to happen. I have seen many couples last a lifetime with no contract between them but love. I am old fashioned in the way that  when I love, I fully believe we must put our all into it. Sometimes we loose the gamble but that’s what it is in the end. Everything is a gamble and we choose to bet. We all bet on love with hopes to win.
When someone hurts me it’s as if they have bled me and left me to either fight to survive or die. Neither are good and balance must be had. I can honestly say that I have been a roller coaster of emotions many times.  I have allowed my emotions to guide my steps and even prevent me from being the person I know I could be if I allowed myself to put myself first instead of the one I love. I have allowed uncomfortable situations for affection, menial comfort and keeping the boat from rocking while my mind burned and my heart ached. That’s a pretty bad state to find oneself in. Times where I’ve felt utterly disregarded and disrespected yet never had my reasons or feelings acknowledged or validated because people always find a why for what they do even if it’s wrong or even better if they can a way to negate your feelings in their entirety simply because it suits the purpose of not seeing wrong in oneself.
As I age however my needs I realize along with my desire to please are changing. I am slowly growing tired of pleasing. Of giving myself fully with every intention of creating something lasting.  Of putting my heart on the line and getring nothing for my troubles. I realize this thing in me some way must die. It must be extinguished so that my mind might somehow find balance with my heart. I must be more willing to release and let go and allow short term pain for long term growth. I must learn that not everyone is for you. Not everyone sees your worth but I also know that the right one will. That perhaps as you lay crying and hurt wondering why someone who you care for can’t see or refuses to see your heart that in turn there are many someones out there feeling the same way as you and you are not alone. Or at the very best and with all your heart you hope the person you have chosen to lay next to and it is a choice, will realize what they have and what they have been given choosing to repair the situation before it’s lost.
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The Power we give… I have had relationships before and many of them have really tested my resolve. I think most relationships begin similarly with this amazing attraction you swear you have never felt this strongly before, this superhuman feeling that you have finally found the right one, the love of your life and sometimes that is true. This relationship can be the one that lasts a lifetime I’ve seen it. Trust however that there will be trials. That you will have to pick your battles to fight and some will test your faith and most of all your resolve to even stay in it because sometimes you’re not just fighting circumstances you are fighting all of the trauma or issues of the person you’re with and people can sometimes make themselves quite difficult to love. Sometimes purposely hoping you will give up and give them the freedom to continue not having to face their issues. Maybe they’re comfortable with them. We all have a level of comfortability we are not willing to part with. I am comfortable in my ways but I am always willing to learn and accommodate for the sake of making my partner happy, sometimes too much and that is where sometimes for me the trouble begins. I am a giver. I give so much in a relationship that sometimes it leaves me feeling empty. I couldn’t clearly explain what about me makes me feel I need to be this way but I am. I tend to fall in love with my whole being. My heart, mind, body and soul all become fully invested in the relationship to the point where I loose myself and suffer on behalf of every little thing done to me. I take it all extremely personal and my wounds become infected with the poison of need and regret easily. Especially when I feel rejected by the person I love. In turn instead of retreating like some people will do I give more all in hopes that they will see me and what I’m worth. Not that I don’t know what I’m worth because I do but we all know the heart has a mind of its own. Still with enough ill treatment I give up and release the person fully because my release is as pungent as my love. When I release someone I release them completely. Delete everything I have ever done with them along with all the love I might have felt. Of course love is harder to release but once I have decided to release someone there is no going back. There is no friendship or future conversations to be had. There is just a clean slate and a new beginning for myself alone without the temptation of calling when I feel down or the need to back peddle because unlike others I never forget the persons faults or what they did to cause me pain. I become clear and enlightened in every respect and act accordingly. That is the only way I have learned to save myself thus far. I give, yes but that in no way implies that one would have any ability or leave to take advantage of me. What I give I give freely and with love in my heart but abuse is not tolerated. I have been known to give away too much power away over myself in love but I can always take that power back. Usually it’s at great cost to myself but I do get it back. I cry it out and I suffer for my foolishness because I have refused to believe someone even when they have shown me who they are but when someone becomes an ache and sadness that settles in your heart, when the sorrow is larger than the joy you have to make a choice to continue or save yourself. Many times we continue to fool ourselves, and when we receive a bone from the other person that makes us feel in the least bit wanted, we accept it greedily hoarding it as a child would their favorite toy. Letting it keep the fire of hope alive wanting it to light the fire of another heart which we really have no control over. Love is hard. As hard as it can be rewarding when its real and genuine. We go on this way too much, too often but its part of what makes us human. No one ever said love would be easy especially when it’s expected to endure. You would think in my 48 years I would have it figured out. Impossible but I treck on because though I have suffered and sometimes severely, I believe in people. I believe in love. I believe in being myself and giving.There’s something genuine about that, something pure and I love that about me.

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Questions…

I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:

Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.

I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:

What is my purpose? 

Am I doing it right?

Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?

I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.

Happy journey!

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What is love? Questions…

 

I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?

To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.

44Being honest even when you think it will hurt.

Trusting and keeping your word.

.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.

What do you call love?

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Don’t change for the world…

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There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.
The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.
Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.
This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.
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What do you want?

 

Have you ever sat down and really thought about this?
Have you honestly asked yourself this question and answered it beyond the basic such as wanting a house or car?
What does your heart really want?

We all want the comforts that make life easier, this is no debate. Your passion and what you want to live and not just exist is another.

My passion is to write honestly about my thoughts as I navigate through life. My desire is to do it well in all its forms. But what I want is a hodge podge of things. Health and financial stability for all the ones I love? Of course but we are talking about the core of me here. This is a broad subject and sometimes I don’t even know everything I want in life so let us talk a little about everything, shall we? and since I am a poet usually forcused on all types of love please forgive me if I veer that way ever so often. Let us talk…

LOVE

What do you want out of love?
We all know love ain’t simple infact it’s quite complicated on so many levels it can scare a monk out of his robes in seconds. It’s also beautiful and when it works, miraculous.

This is what I want from love.
Honesty.
I want and deserve an honest love.
True to the core. Honesty begets love to me.

An honest love is just that. Everything laid out on the table between two people who decide to take a chance one one another.
Nothing hidden or unmentioned.
Clear like crystal glasses on the mantel.
I want you to be who you say you are and do what you say you are going to do.
Be about it. Whatever that is.
Go for what you want and take what needs to be taken.
Be yourself and when it comes to me, play no games.
If you want me show me.
That which goes unsaid goes undone and mind readers, if there are any, are few.
If I have to lead and make every move, every text and every phone call we are at a loss because I give what I am given.
Interest must be shown to be reciprocated. In my world I’m all about 100 in all I do. We must meet in the middle.
Leave your past where it belongs. Come into this relationship brand new and I will do the same. This does not mean you dont talk about what has influenced your life. We must do this in order to grow and know what needs to be changed.
Focus on us.

Know what you want from your relationship and make it known.
Trust.
Listen.
Be attentive, especially if they’re attentive to you.
Keep it 100, please! If you want or don’t want something articulate it. It’s not that hard. We make it complicated. Most people don’t like complicated. I’m one that’s why my truth flows so easily.
Love when it’s honest is simple. Now that I have answered my own question I ask you….

Really think. Now ask yourself, what do I want?

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Wolf

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He’s offered it to me
His savagery
Blazed in the wolf
beneath the human mask
Howls of hunger
feed on my skin and bone
Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white
Desire is the master of fear
and it tests me
 it’s shadow coats me in dreams
Oh…yes
Traces of your tongue deep as you
Bite down on my offering
Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst
a carnivore
The first man
awakens me
In a piercing moment
I am fed