Emotions can be a wonderful and troubling thing all at once. They can exalt you and teach you taking you so high that you believe you will never come down. On the other hand they can also damage or even destroy your ability to see all of the possibilities and potential you might have as a person in this world depending on the impact they have to your state of mind.
My question is what is a healthy emotional way to be. What is the most healthy way to react to the things that can alter your emotional well being?How do you reconcile your desire to love with all your heart, to give all you have and yet maintain that rather complicated balance within yourself not to give so much of the self that you loose yourself. I have read enough books to know what I’m doing wrong. I have meditated on my choices and decisions many times. I have prayed and have figured out where I’ve gone wrong. The problem is that knowing is not doing. You can be the wisest of people and still have no clue as to how to handle your own life but more than that, your own heart. We are all clear in the mind for the most part, we even know how it affects us. I find it is the heart which we often allow to steer us sometimes for the better but many times for the worst. This is something I am certain of having experienced on a personal level and not just once. This is what causes turmoil and an incessant amount of questions within us often causing us sleep and pain.
I am a certified emotional being. When I love it is complete to the point where I have felt physically part of the person I love. My world seems so balanced as to be on the verge of perfection and I want to fix their world too. I want to make them feel full and loved. To want for nothing I can possibly provide. This person becomes someone I want to know and be known by completely because in my perspective you get into a relationship with the intent of making it lasting one. And even if it does not a lifetime it would only mean you were separated by death or something detrimental which could have no other result but separation. That’s not to say that one has to be married in order for that to happen. I have seen many couples last a lifetime with no contract between them but love. I am old fashioned in the way that when I love, I fully believe we must put our all into it. Sometimes we loose the gamble but that’s what it is in the end. Everything is a gamble and we choose to bet. We all bet on love with hopes to win.
When someone hurts me it’s as if they have bled me and left me to either fight to survive or die. Neither are good and balance must be had. I can honestly say that I have been a roller coaster of emotions many times. I have allowed my emotions to guide my steps and even prevent me from being the person I know I could be if I allowed myself to put myself first instead of the one I love. I have allowed uncomfortable situations for affection, menial comfort and keeping the boat from rocking while my mind burned and my heart ached. That’s a pretty bad state to find oneself in. Times where I’ve felt utterly disregarded and disrespected yet never had my reasons or feelings acknowledged or validated because people always find a why for what they do even if it’s wrong or even better if they can a way to negate your feelings in their entirety simply because it suits the purpose of not seeing wrong in oneself.
As I age however my needs I realize along with my desire to please are changing. I am slowly growing tired of pleasing. Of giving myself fully with every intention of creating something lasting. Of putting my heart on the line and getring nothing for my troubles. I realize this thing in me some way must die. It must be extinguished so that my mind might somehow find balance with my heart. I must be more willing to release and let go and allow short term pain for long term growth. I must learn that not everyone is for you. Not everyone sees your worth but I also know that the right one will. That perhaps as you lay crying and hurt wondering why someone who you care for can’t see or refuses to see your heart that in turn there are many someones out there feeling the same way as you and you are not alone. Or at the very best and with all your heart you hope the person you have chosen to lay next to and it is a choice, will realize what they have and what they have been given choosing to repair the situation before it’s lost.
He’s offered it to me
Blazed in the wolf
beneath the human mask
Howls of hunger
feed on my skin and bone
Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white
Desire is the master of fear
and it tests me
it’s shadow coats me in dreams
Traces of your tongue deep as you
Bite down on my offering
Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst
The first man
In a piercing moment
I am fed
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!
This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.
What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.
like the softest of winds
in the darkness unseen
smooth and sudden he became my sin
black velvet body
smile like a king
drawing me in
sugar and whipped cream solutions
for the disapproval of kin
command me to be well
as i worship his skin
a thousand touches
for the unquenchable thirst within
love given and returned
in the span of a head spin
out of control
before skin met skin
shall we begin