I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:
Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.
I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:
What is my purpose?
Am I doing it right?
Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?
I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.
Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.
Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.
To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.
As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light. I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.