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Lady in Waiting

He said he would call. He always said it, I will call you later babe. I believed him every time. I will call you as soon as the event is over, as soon as I get out of work, as soon as I have a minute. the problem is he never had a minute, for me anyway. when he finally called it was always hours later when I had already worried almost to death and went through every scenario in my head.

Sometimes I would give in and just call only to find out he’d been home for hours and had even slept without so much as a thought of calling me. Of course, if I was upset there was always a convenient play by play to make me feel unreasonable or even stupid for questioning his actions.

My phone was almost dead. 
I was at 1 percent.
I figured I’d rest first so we could talk later.
I was so busy. 
I just wanted to get home.
I don’t have my phone like that.
I don’t really like to text that much.

And then I realized. everything just kicked in after I read a book called He’s just not that into you. All his excuses added up into one neat conversation in my head.
I didn’t want to call you because I don’t respect you. To me, you are not important enough and simply, I’m just not that into you. There was nothing else to contemplate.
The knowledge hit me like a punch to the gut because when we care about someone we create this fantasy in our heads. A story of a unrealistic happily ever after that if we took some actual time to read the signs had never materialized in the relationship in the first place. 

I really began to analyze this one-sided relationship for what it was. Me begging to be loved. Me, expecting someone else to love the way I love. To react the way I would react. Expecting this man to give me the love I knew I deserved but he was not ready or desiring to give, to me.

And that was my issue.

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Breaking Cycles

Life is a wheel

As I sit here now I realize how true that statement is. We are at one time children living our lives with little idea of what to expect because we have never lived before. 

We don’t know what’s supposed to be now or what’s supposed to be next. 

We live wanting guidance but at the same time not wanting anyone to tell us what to do because we think we know when we know nothing, not really. 

We know we are here and we know we are small 

We know we have to follow directions and do it right so the big people won’t get mad at us and give us less directions allowing us a little more freedom, freedom we crave to keep the wheel turning if we ever want to get to be the big people giving the little people directions, and we want that so bad when we are little people don’t we?

I remember being the little person and I was not a fan. I always wanted to be the big person, the one to give the directions. I think it’s because I have too may bad memories about being the little person, the vulnerable one, the one without power taking bad directions that I could not deviate from.

When I became the big person I almost became the dictator, before the dream that is. the dream where my son was begging for my help because my mom was threatening to hit him. 

How I cried after that dream. 

How I changed. 

I broke the cycle in so many pieces it can never be put back together. 

I pulverized it and crushed it into so much dust that its molecules could never be reconstructed. 

I took myself and rebuilt myself. It was not easy, I’d been scattered. 

As I found the pieces I sewed them together with golden thread, the good moments.

I sewed all my broken pieces, it took years but I and built a better me, a stronger version infused with the little person and wrote my own directions. 

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Strength as Punishment

  This has been on my mind for a while now and since I have not written a blog in quite a while I thought I would write now about a subject I have dealt with all of my life  and still deal with almost daily.
Are you a person who everyone in your family sees as strong?
Do your friends just love telling you how no matter what you go through, you will be just fine because you can handle anything?
Are you seen as the super person in you world?
Yeah, me too. I have gone through plenty and if you’re one of these assumed super people I am positive you have too. I won’t going detail as to how much I have been through. If you want to know just read my posts entitled On the transplant road and you will get the gist of just one of my adventures. Those times are not the reason for this post. We have all been through it. Some more than most.
The reason for this post is how people treat you because they see your strength and never see you break. They don’t see it and so assume you never do. Its almost as if you’re being punished for being strong and standing in the face of adversity.  I can’t count the people who ran from me during my dialysis days and my consequent kidney transplant because it affected “them” Even those who see you struggle and see your pain believe that because you don’t ask for comfort, you don’t need it. Sometimes almost as if you don’t have the right to feel weakness, sorrow or pain. That because you smile and walk when they would fall you couldn’t possibly fell it as deeply as they would it they were you. It would kill them they say. But you are different the say, as if you’re literally impregnable and able to sustain anything without feeling it or suffering any type of consequence.
Surprise! That is the farthest thing from the truth. It is the strongest among us that need the comfort, the love and attention which will in turn build our strength for all those who continue to need and take of our strength. We are your warriors! The ones who fight the fight when you fall. Who pick you up and help you see the possible in the impossible. However, all we seem to get is the “nah, you’ll be alright. You’re strong” and that is the greatest disservice you can do to a strong person because that’s when we loose faith in remaining strong. An empty cup gives nothing and if you don’t replenish the strong who will be there when you need us?
I ask you as one of the strong, that you give to those in your life who you feel are always strong. You don’t know their fight or how far they are from the breaking point. You may be the one to keep them from the edge because they will not tell you. Stop taking without giving or one day you will come to a locked door where the one behind it is empty and no longer answers the call. The strong do not always survive on strength alone.
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Questions…

I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:

Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.

I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:

What is my purpose? 

Am I doing it right?

Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?

I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.

Happy journey!

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Wolf

 images-2
He’s offered it to me
His savagery
Blazed in the wolf
beneath the human mask
Howls of hunger
feed on my skin and bone
Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white
Desire is the master of fear
and it tests me
 it’s shadow coats me in dreams
Oh…yes
Traces of your tongue deep as you
Bite down on my offering
Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst
a carnivore
The first man
awakens me
In a piercing moment
I am fed
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Day 4 of the Transsiberian Railroad adventure!

Its been a beautiful yet exhausting day. Ladies and gents we’re on the train! And its amazeballs!!

My little room!