Why do we need it?
Why do we want it and how hard is it when we don’t get it?
For me it’s been very hard after two years and three months of my life to have a person I thought I shared love with, a life with to disappear on me without a word. I find it so hard to believe that a person could fool another so completely that the other person is completely blindsided. I was blindsided. I never believed in a million years this would be how things would end in any relationship much less mine.
I have been left to unpack all of this on my own. To dig inside myself and find what in me allowed this to happen. What signs did love blind me to and the truth is that, there were many. I chose not to listen. I chose instead to try to fix it, help him fix himself. Try to solve all his problems and lift him as much as I could with my own broken arms because we are all broken in some way.
Some of us however don’t choose to break others to heal ourselves, some do. And some broken people just don’t know how to love you because they never felt loved. To some of them love is foreign. Some people will blame every person they come across who shows them love for what they suffered in order to make it easier to use you or discard you once they get what they’ve wanted all along. Some will re-live their childhood traumas all of their lives in order to avoid being responsible for their actions or who they hurt in the process.
Some people simply can’t love those who they know can leave them. They push them to the point where they finally leave and then accuse them of leaving as justification for how they treated them, see all women leave! All men leave! But refuse to see that part they played in being left. If that does not work they do what’s famous now, they ghost you. Leave without a shred of information. Leaving you to wonder why in self doubt and usually plenty of pain to go around. Letting you pick up the pieces alone.
I have suffered through this and although I wanted closure I no longer need it. I know what I brought to the table and it wasn’t perfect but it was good. I gave all I had in every aspect and he would be lying and shaming the devil if he said it wasn’t so.
I am good.
I can move on now and heal myself because I’m not about the vengeance. All that does is traumatize the soul. I don’t need that. Love and light heals and not all of it has to be romantic although I will love again. I always find a way to love again for I don’t carry baggage around to any new love.
I have stored the good times I think we had in a box. Left the bad times under the sun where they will be cleansed and eventually dissipate. Life is good. It’s time to continue on my path.
These bags have been dropped off.
I’m 50 and I am moving forward.
This has been on my mind for a while now and since I have not written a blog in quite a while I thought I would write now about a subject I have dealt with all of my life and still deal with almost daily.
Are you a person who everyone in your family sees as strong?
Do your friends just love telling you how no matter what you go through, you will be just fine because you can handle anything?
Are you seen as the super person in you world?
Yeah, me too. I have gone through plenty and if you’re one of these assumed super people I am positive you have too. I won’t going detail as to how much I have been through. If you want to know just read my posts entitled On the transplant road and you will get the gist of just one of my adventures. Those times are not the reason for this post. We have all been through it. Some more than most.
The reason for this post is how people treat you because they see your strength and never see you break. They don’t see it and so assume you never do. Its almost as if you’re being punished for being strong and standing in the face of adversity. I can’t count the people who ran from me during my dialysis days and my consequent kidney transplant because it affected “them” Even those who see you struggle and see your pain believe that because you don’t ask for comfort, you don’t need it. Sometimes almost as if you don’t have the right to feel weakness, sorrow or pain. That because you smile and walk when they would fall you couldn’t possibly fell it as deeply as they would it they were you. It would kill them they say. But you are different the say, as if you’re literally impregnable and able to sustain anything without feeling it or suffering any type of consequence.
Surprise! That is the farthest thing from the truth. It is the strongest among us that need the comfort, the love and attention which will in turn build our strength for all those who continue to need and take of our strength. We are your warriors! The ones who fight the fight when you fall. Who pick you up and help you see the possible in the impossible. However, all we seem to get is the “nah, you’ll be alright. You’re strong” and that is the greatest disservice you can do to a strong person because that’s when we loose faith in remaining strong. An empty cup gives nothing and if you don’t replenish the strong who will be there when you need us?
I ask you as one of the strong, that you give to those in your life who you feel are always strong. You don’t know their fight or how far they are from the breaking point. You may be the one to keep them from the edge because they will not tell you. Stop taking without giving or one day you will come to a locked door where the one behind it is empty and no longer answers the call. The strong do not always survive on strength alone.
Emotions can be a wonderful and troubling thing all at once. They can exalt you and teach you taking you so high that you believe you will never come down. On the other hand they can also damage or even destroy your ability to see all of the possibilities and potential you might have as a person in this world depending on the impact they have to your state of mind.
My question is what is a healthy emotional way to be. What is the most healthy way to react to the things that can alter your emotional well being?How do you reconcile your desire to love with all your heart, to give all you have and yet maintain that rather complicated balance within yourself not to give so much of the self that you loose yourself. I have read enough books to know what I’m doing wrong. I have meditated on my choices and decisions many times. I have prayed and have figured out where I’ve gone wrong. The problem is that knowing is not doing. You can be the wisest of people and still have no clue as to how to handle your own life but more than that, your own heart. We are all clear in the mind for the most part, we even know how it affects us. I find it is the heart which we often allow to steer us sometimes for the better but many times for the worst. This is something I am certain of having experienced on a personal level and not just once. This is what causes turmoil and an incessant amount of questions within us often causing us sleep and pain.
I am a certified emotional being. When I love it is complete to the point where I have felt physically part of the person I love. My world seems so balanced as to be on the verge of perfection and I want to fix their world too. I want to make them feel full and loved. To want for nothing I can possibly provide. This person becomes someone I want to know and be known by completely because in my perspective you get into a relationship with the intent of making it lasting one. And even if it does not a lifetime it would only mean you were separated by death or something detrimental which could have no other result but separation. That’s not to say that one has to be married in order for that to happen. I have seen many couples last a lifetime with no contract between them but love. I am old fashioned in the way that when I love, I fully believe we must put our all into it. Sometimes we loose the gamble but that’s what it is in the end. Everything is a gamble and we choose to bet. We all bet on love with hopes to win.
When someone hurts me it’s as if they have bled me and left me to either fight to survive or die. Neither are good and balance must be had. I can honestly say that I have been a roller coaster of emotions many times. I have allowed my emotions to guide my steps and even prevent me from being the person I know I could be if I allowed myself to put myself first instead of the one I love. I have allowed uncomfortable situations for affection, menial comfort and keeping the boat from rocking while my mind burned and my heart ached. That’s a pretty bad state to find oneself in. Times where I’ve felt utterly disregarded and disrespected yet never had my reasons or feelings acknowledged or validated because people always find a why for what they do even if it’s wrong or even better if they can a way to negate your feelings in their entirety simply because it suits the purpose of not seeing wrong in oneself.
As I age however my needs I realize along with my desire to please are changing. I am slowly growing tired of pleasing. Of giving myself fully with every intention of creating something lasting. Of putting my heart on the line and getring nothing for my troubles. I realize this thing in me some way must die. It must be extinguished so that my mind might somehow find balance with my heart. I must be more willing to release and let go and allow short term pain for long term growth. I must learn that not everyone is for you. Not everyone sees your worth but I also know that the right one will. That perhaps as you lay crying and hurt wondering why someone who you care for can’t see or refuses to see your heart that in turn there are many someones out there feeling the same way as you and you are not alone. Or at the very best and with all your heart you hope the person you have chosen to lay next to and it is a choice, will realize what they have and what they have been given choosing to repair the situation before it’s lost.
I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:
Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.
I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:
What is my purpose?
Am I doing it right?
Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?
I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.
I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?
To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.
Being honest even when you think it will hurt.
Trusting and keeping your word.
.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.
What do you call love?
There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.
The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.
Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.
This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.