Things to deal with: After the transplant road…

 

Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.

Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.

To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

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Don’t change for the world…

There is a very big difference between changing for someone and making a change for yourself. Growth and improvement are a personal choice. It tells you that you are currently unhappy with something in or about you. Change for the mere desire to please someone else I find never ends well. I have done this in the past and have never really benefited from the results.

The first thing most people try to alter in themselves is either physical or mental. You try to change what you believe in order to make someone feel as if their opinions on certain issues are better or more accurate than yours, therefore making you more pleasing to them in their minds eye. You agree with their points in all discuss so that they feel you they have made a good choice in you. You might also alter your hair or choice in clothes because they’ve told you what they like and you want them to like you better for it. I’ve had such tendencies in the past when I was much younger and the worst part was that I recognized it even then for what it was. I figured if I look how you like and agree with your views then in turn you will like me. I would be the right choice for you and inspire you to love and accept me despite any cost to me. Hiding myself beneath blankets of falsehood in order to have your approval. It took me many years to discover that these things are not only ridiculous but impossible.

Reconstructing yourself into some type of character for the benefit of another is not only the most difficult thing you can do but the most foolish because masks fall. Your pretense may last you a little while, you may even have the other person completely fooled for a while. You may also be able to convince yourself that you are happy with your new makeover but the truth is masks fall and usually they fall hard. Its often not understood that pretending to be something for someone else only works when you’re with that person. For a moment you might feel complete in it but you are who you are and eventually you can not hide it. You must be yourself and you are not for everybody.

This is why I find change for the sake of pleasing another so confusing and inconceivable. Isn’t it much better to just be yourself and find someone who enhances who you are? Why go through all of the aggravation of trying to be someone you’re not? Something you’re not for someone who might end up being temporary in your life anyway because if you’re pretending it is certain to be temporary. When things last its because they began with truth and the fact that you are certain in who you are. Let that shine so that your aura might then attract that one person who will appreciate and enjoy that shine. That is your essence and who you are is a miracle. Be that.

What do you want?

 

Have you ever sat down and really thought about this?
Have you honestly asked yourself this question and answered it beyond the basic such as wanting a house or car?
What does your heart really want?

We all want the comforts that make life easier, this is no debate. Your passion and what you want to live and not just exist is another.

My passion is to write honestly about my thoughts as I navigate through life. My desire is to do it well in all its forms. But what I want is a hodge podge of things. Health and financial stability for all the ones I love? Of course but we are talking about the core of me here. This is a broad subject and sometimes I don’t even know everything I want in life so let us talk a little about everything, shall we? and since I am a poet usually forcused on all types of love please forgive me if I veer that way ever so often. Let us talk…

LOVE

What do you want out of love?
We all know love ain’t simple infact it’s quite complicated on so many levels it can scare a monk out of his robes in seconds. It’s also beautiful and when it works, miraculous.

This is what I want from love.
Honesty.
I want and deserve an honest love.
True to the core. Honesty begets love to me.

An honest love is just that. Everything laid out on the table between two people who decide to take a chance one one another.
Nothing hidden or unmentioned.
Clear like crystal glasses on the mantel.
I want you to be who you say you are and do what you say you are going to do.
Be about it. Whatever that is.
Go for what you want and take what needs to be taken.
Be yourself and when it comes to me, play no games.
If you want me show me.
That which goes unsaid goes undone and mind readers, if there are any, are few.
If I have to lead and make every move, every text and every phone call we are at a loss because I give what I am given.
Interest must be shown to be reciprocated. In my world I’m all about 100 in all I do. We must meet in the middle.
Leave your past where it belongs. Come into this relationship brand new and I will do the same. This does not mean you dont talk about what has influenced your life. We must do this in order to grow and know what needs to be changed.
Focus on us.

Know what you want from your relationship and make it known.
Trust.
Listen.
Be attentive, especially if they’re attentive to you.
Keep it 100, please! If you want or don’t want something articulate it. It’s not that hard. We make it complicated. Most people don’t like complicated. I’m one that’s why my truth flows so easily.
Love when it’s honest is simple. Now that I have answered my own question I ask you….

Really think. Now ask yourself, what do I want?

Wolf

 

He’s offered it to me

His savagery

Blazed in the wolf

beneath the human mask

Howls of hunger

feed on my skin and bone

Blood and sweat on silken sheets of white

Desire is the master of fear

and it tests me

 it’s shadow coats me in dreams

Oh…yes

Traces of your tongue deep as you

Bite down on my offering

Oceans and waterfalls for your thirst

a carnivore

The first man

awakens me

In a piercing moment

I am fed

The science of dating online….

What can I say about dating on line but my experience. I have been on a few dating sites and have had some success with it including a long term relationship of over six years. A very good man but as you know it takes time to know someone and once you develop a relationship things can change. You start learning the person you’re with and exploring what you can live with and what you can’t . We both had things we could not compromise so it was best to move on. For me that’s what a relationship really is, figuring out what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not.

Is the connection and love strong enough to side step the hurdles that come along? Because they do come and sometimes fast and furiously so, do you want to jump or fall flat on your face? It’s always your choice. But I digress.

Every time I have filled a profile online I am very direct. I express what I desire in a man and how I am myself. I post current pictures and answer all my messages even if I am not interested. Respectfully. Of course you get your lechers and those who want pictures they have no business having and I nicely delete and block the trolls so it’s all good. Some people online you must realize are just there for a quick good time and I’m not the one. A real and long lasting relationship is my goal.

But….

Relationships are work! Big, long and rigorous work. You have to really want to explore and do the job with intent in order to achieve any type of success. I was married for 16 years and all of it was work. You must find joy in it and the willingness to accept your one as they are for it to last. When you first begin you must put all of your cards on the table and be willing to deal with rejection if that’s not what they’re willing to accept. I dated a man with so many broken cards and jagged scars that I knew it wouldn’t work but I dated him anyway.

After it was over I asked myself why? Why would I date a man so broken? Did I intend to try and heal his wounds? Maybe. I have made that mistake many times though I know better. Every situation I learn something new so I let go much faster than I would have in the past. I am proud of that. I gained reason with time and now think much clearer when making decisions on what’s right for me.

It is not your job to fix people. So if you find yourself doing that, let go.
Don’t waste time trying to make a person see things your way because most of the time they don’t want to. We are creatures of habit.
If you know that you have massive issues yourself, fix those first. Don’t travel to your new relationship with old baggage.
When you know somethings wrong look at it, talk about it, analize it even but don’t turn a blind eye to it because it will repeat itself until you pay attention to it and resolve it.
You are stronger than you look or feel so yes, you can do it. Your main question will be are you willing to accept unhappiness enough not to be on your own.
I’m willing to be on my own. I’m willing to wait for the one who I can love enough to accept him whole heartedly. So that’s where I stand.

I’m not waiting for Prince Charming just the prince made for me.

Day 5: Transsiberian writing through Russia

Birdie,
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!

 

This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.

What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.

The kidney is just the beginning: On the transplant Road

      

                 The last time I blogged I was still on dialysis twice a week two and a half hours a treatment. After six and a half years I was pretty much used to what my life was and how it was working out. Treatment didn’t bother me as much anymore and the pain was almost non existent or maybe I was just used to it. 

BUT THEN…

Just as I was all used to it on September 3, 2016 I received the call that has changed my whole existence. I got a kidney! My transplant happened when I least expected it. With a heart full of prayers for loved ones and friends I went to Saint barnabas medical center for my gift. On September 4 I had a new battery and ready to begin a new life with no more issues. But can you say hold up? 

Yes, we have no idea at least I had no idea that the transplant is just the beginning of the road. Not the end. The real work began after the blessing. 

Let’s talk about recovery shall we? 

I have been transplanted about three months now and currently in the hospital in a state I don’t even live in. I came to visit my mom for the holidays and my creatinine got too high so here I am admitted and awaiting. However I digress, I am still mighty blessed! Every day. 

When you first get a transplant you need your meds every twelve hours. The amount of pills vary from 20 to 30 Pills a day depending on how your organ is settling. See this organ was never yours. It’s a gift so you need anti rejection medications so you won’t loose it. You must work to keep it. This is why I say the work begins after the blessing. Along with medication comes recovery from a long suture on your belly. I had 20 some odd staples holding me together. Its difficult to walk but as the days go by you begin to feel better, more alive and healthier. My hair grew inches and my nails that never grew began to grow. My skin glowed and I became, though still recovering a new person. 

It is a difficult period in my life but full of miracles as well. I am getting there. Trust that I will. 

Getting used to the meds and the doctor twice a week in the beginning takes some getting used to. 

Blood work and urinalysis every week

Stint removal and fear of any little twinge on your access site wears on you but then you think about all of those years on dialysis and you’re mighty blessed and grateful despite side effects or anything else that comes along the most important thing to remember is that someone who died gave you life! 

This is a path. It has been my destiny thus far. I am on a road after all and I never forget that every road has hurdles and bumps and some even have mountains to arrive at the other side. This is my road and although sometimes it’s difficult and a trial I am fully faithful that God gave me this kidney and road for a reason. With his help, guidance and blessing I have my new battery and I’m ready to walk! 

Stay blessed and grateful!