Category: truth
The Rise and Fall…Emotions

The Power we give… I have had relationships before and many of them have really tested my resolve. I think most relationships begin similarly with this amazing attraction you swear you have never felt this strongly before, this superhuman feeling that you have finally found the right one, the love of your life and sometimes that is true. This relationship can be the one that lasts a lifetime I’ve seen it. Trust however that there will be trials. That you will have to pick your battles to fight and some will test your faith and most of all your resolve to even stay in it because sometimes you’re not just fighting circumstances you are fighting all of the trauma or issues of the person you’re with and people can sometimes make themselves quite difficult to love. Sometimes purposely hoping you will give up and give them the freedom to continue not having to face their issues. Maybe they’re comfortable with them. We all have a level of comfortability we are not willing to part with. I am comfortable in my ways but I am always willing to learn and accommodate for the sake of making my partner happy, sometimes too much and that is where sometimes for me the trouble begins. I am a giver. I give so much in a relationship that sometimes it leaves me feeling empty. I couldn’t clearly explain what about me makes me feel I need to be this way but I am. I tend to fall in love with my whole being. My heart, mind, body and soul all become fully invested in the relationship to the point where I loose myself and suffer on behalf of every little thing done to me. I take it all extremely personal and my wounds become infected with the poison of need and regret easily. Especially when I feel rejected by the person I love. In turn instead of retreating like some people will do I give more all in hopes that they will see me and what I’m worth. Not that I don’t know what I’m worth because I do but we all know the heart has a mind of its own. Still with enough ill treatment I give up and release the person fully because my release is as pungent as my love. When I release someone I release them completely. Delete everything I have ever done with them along with all the love I might have felt. Of course love is harder to release but once I have decided to release someone there is no going back. There is no friendship or future conversations to be had. There is just a clean slate and a new beginning for myself alone without the temptation of calling when I feel down or the need to back peddle because unlike others I never forget the persons faults or what they did to cause me pain. I become clear and enlightened in every respect and act accordingly. That is the only way I have learned to save myself thus far. I give, yes but that in no way implies that one would have any ability or leave to take advantage of me. What I give I give freely and with love in my heart but abuse is not tolerated. I have been known to give away too much power away over myself in love but I can always take that power back. Usually it’s at great cost to myself but I do get it back. I cry it out and I suffer for my foolishness because I have refused to believe someone even when they have shown me who they are but when someone becomes an ache and sadness that settles in your heart, when the sorrow is larger than the joy you have to make a choice to continue or save yourself. Many times we continue to fool ourselves, and when we receive a bone from the other person that makes us feel in the least bit wanted, we accept it greedily hoarding it as a child would their favorite toy. Letting it keep the fire of hope alive wanting it to light the fire of another heart which we really have no control over. Love is hard. As hard as it can be rewarding when its real and genuine. We go on this way too much, too often but its part of what makes us human. No one ever said love would be easy especially when it’s expected to endure. You would think in my 48 years I would have it figured out. Impossible but I treck on because though I have suffered and sometimes severely, I believe in people. I believe in love. I believe in being myself and giving.There’s something genuine about that, something pure and I love that about me.
Questions…
I have so many questions. How can you still have so many questions at my age I don’t know. Sometimes it seems to me that I should have it all figured out by this time. At 48 you would think we would have it all together yet I have seen younger people have it way more together than I seem to. Seems generations have changed so much in every way that I can hardly keep up. Don’t get me wrong I have done much in my life and very few things that I actually regret. I’ve been married, raised a family, expressed myself artistically and enjoyed many good things. I survived kidney disease and had a kidney transplant which has given me a new lease on life and for all of these things I am mighty grateful. Still. I don’t feel that I am exactly where I would like to be. Many times I have heard or read:
Where you are is where you’re supposed to be, right now.
I don’t know if that’s always accurate but I certainly hope so. I hope there is some divine guidance helping all of us through this journey with a good destination in mind because I am awfully close to the midlife crisis stage. The point where you don’t know which way is up because you’re not as far in life as you figured you should be. You begin to question where you’re going and why you haven’t gotten there yet. The biggest questions being:
What is my purpose?
Am I doing it right?
Am I the only person feeling this way about my life?
I know that I’m not but at moments like this you certainly feel as if you are. You feel as if you’re on a course you yourself are blind to. Just floating along with the tide hoping to find something good as you go about your daily life. At times you feel you’re just about to get a glimpse of something wonderful but then you loose sight of it for reasons unknown or perhaps because you’re afraid to see. Many times we are more fearful of moving and changing than staying stuck. W feel safe stuck. These are the things that I think of randomly as I get older. The questions I am trying to answer within myself. It is no small feat but I do believe we all have this journey to take and questions to answer but no matter how long it takes us to answer them I also believe we will all get there in time.
Happy journey!
Things to deal with: After the transplant road…
Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.
Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.
To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Don’t change for the world…

What do you want?
Have you ever sat down and really thought about this?
Have you honestly asked yourself this question and answered it beyond the basic such as wanting a house or car?
What does your heart really want?
We all want the comforts that make life easier, this is no debate. Your passion and what you want to live and not just exist is another.
My passion is to write honestly about my thoughts as I navigate through life. My desire is to do it well in all its forms. But what I want is a hodge podge of things. Health and financial stability for all the ones I love? Of course but we are talking about the core of me here. This is a broad subject and sometimes I don’t even know everything I want in life so let us talk a little about everything, shall we? and since I am a poet usually forcused on all types of love please forgive me if I veer that way ever so often. Let us talk…
LOVE
What do you want out of love?
We all know love ain’t simple infact it’s quite complicated on so many levels it can scare a monk out of his robes in seconds. It’s also beautiful and when it works, miraculous.
This is what I want from love.
Honesty.
I want and deserve an honest love.
True to the core. Honesty begets love to me.
An honest love is just that. Everything laid out on the table between two people who decide to take a chance one one another.
Nothing hidden or unmentioned.
Clear like crystal glasses on the mantel.
I want you to be who you say you are and do what you say you are going to do.
Be about it. Whatever that is.
Go for what you want and take what needs to be taken.
Be yourself and when it comes to me, play no games.
If you want me show me.
That which goes unsaid goes undone and mind readers, if there are any, are few.
If I have to lead and make every move, every text and every phone call we are at a loss because I give what I am given.
Interest must be shown to be reciprocated. In my world I’m all about 100 in all I do. We must meet in the middle.
Leave your past where it belongs. Come into this relationship brand new and I will do the same. This does not mean you dont talk about what has influenced your life. We must do this in order to grow and know what needs to be changed.
Focus on us.
Know what you want from your relationship and make it known.
Trust.
Listen.
Be attentive, especially if they’re attentive to you.
Keep it 100, please! If you want or don’t want something articulate it. It’s not that hard. We make it complicated. Most people don’t like complicated. I’m one that’s why my truth flows so easily.
Love when it’s honest is simple. Now that I have answered my own question I ask you….
Really think. Now ask yourself, what do I want?