author · blogging · change · character · companionship · connection · couples · diolog · emotions · empowerment · faith · feelings · healing · health · help · honesty · hope · learning · life · love · needs · opinion · recovery · Relationships · self · selflove · truth · writer · writing

The Power we give… I have had relationships before and many of them have really tested my resolve. I think most relationships begin similarly with this amazing attraction you swear you have never felt this strongly before, this superhuman feeling that you have finally found the right one, the love of your life and sometimes that is true. This relationship can be the one that lasts a lifetime I’ve seen it. Trust however that there will be trials. That you will have to pick your battles to fight and some will test your faith and most of all your resolve to even stay in it because sometimes you’re not just fighting circumstances you are fighting all of the trauma or issues of the person you’re with and people can sometimes make themselves quite difficult to love. Sometimes purposely hoping you will give up and give them the freedom to continue not having to face their issues. Maybe they’re comfortable with them. We all have a level of comfortability we are not willing to part with. I am comfortable in my ways but I am always willing to learn and accommodate for the sake of making my partner happy, sometimes too much and that is where sometimes for me the trouble begins. I am a giver. I give so much in a relationship that sometimes it leaves me feeling empty. I couldn’t clearly explain what about me makes me feel I need to be this way but I am. I tend to fall in love with my whole being. My heart, mind, body and soul all become fully invested in the relationship to the point where I loose myself and suffer on behalf of every little thing done to me. I take it all extremely personal and my wounds become infected with the poison of need and regret easily. Especially when I feel rejected by the person I love. In turn instead of retreating like some people will do I give more all in hopes that they will see me and what I’m worth. Not that I don’t know what I’m worth because I do but we all know the heart has a mind of its own. Still with enough ill treatment I give up and release the person fully because my release is as pungent as my love. When I release someone I release them completely. Delete everything I have ever done with them along with all the love I might have felt. Of course love is harder to release but once I have decided to release someone there is no going back. There is no friendship or future conversations to be had. There is just a clean slate and a new beginning for myself alone without the temptation of calling when I feel down or the need to back peddle because unlike others I never forget the persons faults or what they did to cause me pain. I become clear and enlightened in every respect and act accordingly. That is the only way I have learned to save myself thus far. I give, yes but that in no way implies that one would have any ability or leave to take advantage of me. What I give I give freely and with love in my heart but abuse is not tolerated. I have been known to give away too much power away over myself in love but I can always take that power back. Usually it’s at great cost to myself but I do get it back. I cry it out and I suffer for my foolishness because I have refused to believe someone even when they have shown me who they are but when someone becomes an ache and sadness that settles in your heart, when the sorrow is larger than the joy you have to make a choice to continue or save yourself. Many times we continue to fool ourselves, and when we receive a bone from the other person that makes us feel in the least bit wanted, we accept it greedily hoarding it as a child would their favorite toy. Letting it keep the fire of hope alive wanting it to light the fire of another heart which we really have no control over. Love is hard. As hard as it can be rewarding when its real and genuine. We go on this way too much, too often but its part of what makes us human. No one ever said love would be easy especially when it’s expected to endure. You would think in my 48 years I would have it figured out. Impossible but I treck on because though I have suffered and sometimes severely, I believe in people. I believe in love. I believe in being myself and giving.There’s something genuine about that, something pure and I love that about me.

artist · author · blogging · character · companionship · connection · couples · create · dating · diolog · emotions · empowerment · faith · fear · feelings · healing · honesty · hope · learning · life · listening · love · lovers · loyalty · needs · opinion · self · selflove · simplicity · trust · writer · writing

What is love? Questions…

 

I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?

To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.

44Being honest even when you think it will hurt.

Trusting and keeping your word.

.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.

What do you call love?

blogging · empowerment · faith · fear · healing · hope · life · love · stories · truth · writer · writing

Change. It’s a Good Thing

20120426-182656.jpg

People say change is good and to a point I am inclined to agree but what happens when the people around you refuse to let you grow? What happens when things won’t change with you. Do you leave them behind? Do you refuse and grow alone or do you stay stagnant in hopes of making others happy. This can be a loaded question to many people.
I was always the type of person who gave everything to make others happy. I would forgo my wishes and ideals and even dreams if it didn’t coincide with what others in my life wanted.

When I was married if my then husband didn’t want me to do something, his wish was my command. Even with all that I gave, in return for nothing, was not worth it because I divorced him after fifteen years of too much. Still after years of too much I continued to get into relationships with men who always expected me to give up something. I was expected to give my love,time, space and even money to keep others happy when in my heart I knew that was not the way.

I went as far as to stay in a relationship I knew was going nowhere for five years. It didn’t end well.
That was a big wake up call for me. The biggest one to date. It showed me that I had to decide whether I was going to live for others, or for myself. When that relationship ended I decided that I was through giving my all to people who didn’t deserve it. I was done giving my time,space and love to anyone who wasn’t worthy because, if I didn’t know it before I learned then that I am just as worthy as anyone. I am worthy of love, appreciation and loyalty. I learned that you can’t give everything to someone else because you are very likely to remain empty and worst, angry.
Now I give as I get. I love when I’m loved. Appreciate when I am appreciated and trust the trust worthy.

Of course I didn’t learn over night. Plenty of heartbreak lead to this revelation but I know our lessons never come easy, there’s always a price. The longer you take to learn it, the steeper the price. You always pay but the expense is up to you.

20120426-182919.jpg