writing

Acceptance

We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.

  1. I want to want more than I need.

I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.

  1. Chose you first.

No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.

  1. Be ok with being alone

I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me. 

I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.

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Breaking Cycles

Life is a wheel

As I sit here now I realize how true that statement is. We are at one time children living our lives with little idea of what to expect because we have never lived before. 

We don’t know what’s supposed to be now or what’s supposed to be next. 

We live wanting guidance but at the same time not wanting anyone to tell us what to do because we think we know when we know nothing, not really. 

We know we are here and we know we are small 

We know we have to follow directions and do it right so the big people won’t get mad at us and give us less directions allowing us a little more freedom, freedom we crave to keep the wheel turning if we ever want to get to be the big people giving the little people directions, and we want that so bad when we are little people don’t we?

I remember being the little person and I was not a fan. I always wanted to be the big person, the one to give the directions. I think it’s because I have too may bad memories about being the little person, the vulnerable one, the one without power taking bad directions that I could not deviate from.

When I became the big person I almost became the dictator, before the dream that is. the dream where my son was begging for my help because my mom was threatening to hit him. 

How I cried after that dream. 

How I changed. 

I broke the cycle in so many pieces it can never be put back together. 

I pulverized it and crushed it into so much dust that its molecules could never be reconstructed. 

I took myself and rebuilt myself. It was not easy, I’d been scattered. 

As I found the pieces I sewed them together with golden thread, the good moments.

I sewed all my broken pieces, it took years but I and built a better me, a stronger version infused with the little person and wrote my own directions. 

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Day 5: Transsiberian writing through Russia

Birdie,
It’s our first full day on the train and what can I say but that its an adventure already. We are all so exiting and all talk at once about how great it is when we get together. I love my little bunk and I spend at least an hour a day just contemplating the view outside my little window. It’s absolutely gorgeous here and I wish I could have brought you along. We made a stop at Khabarovsk station today and got to look around a little.The station is huge! There were people smoking like crazy the smoke smelled diffrent and I kind of wanted to try it but I didn’t. Aicia was dying to smoke too, she is not one to be teased with nicotene. At the end she decided against it. I think if she had given in I would have too, once you’ve been a smoker all of the familiar feelings come back when you smell one. Anyhow, I have to get to the business of writing now but I will send you pics. Love you!

 

This trip so far has taught me to devote time to what’s important which for me in this case is self discovery. Solitude has surprised me. How much I enjoy just asking myself questions and answering them without all of the noise that might surround me on a regular day. I have learned that when I devote time to me and to my writing we both become richer and more full of life. We develop like an old polaroid picture, a little clearer and brighter. The clouds of the imagination part and we see the sun shinning a light on what it is we really need or want to say.

What is itthat makes me creative and gives me the ability to create?
That will be my focus today. I’m ready. Not nervous, just ready.

author · blogging · change · daily do's · dialysis · empowerment · faith · fear · friendship · healing · health · honesty · hope · illness · kidney disease · learning · life · love · plannerperfect · planning · recovery · stories · transplant · truth · writer · writing

Organizing my Life…On the transplant road

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          Many of you who know me or have read my blog know that I have been on dialysis for about six years now. But if you also know me well you know I have never once felt sorry for myself or have fallen into pity party mode. There are too many sick people, especially children that have not really even lived for me to be complaining about being on dialysis. I am strong and able, this is just a moment in time for me and I will surpass it. I have many ways of keeping hope alive. I always say I know God and he knows me and when he wants me there is nothing that will stop it so every extra day is  blessing. I don’t intend to waste it.

As far as everything goes I am now tissue typing with my brother to see if we are a good match. My older brother has decided to go under the knife for me! I am beyond amazed at his selflessness and I know I would do the same for him were the roles reversed. Every test completed is a new step forward on the transplant road. A new step toward a normal life. I take every step in gratitude. I have made many changes of late because I want to live an organized and simple life. I am all about order and organizing and planning . I love anything that makes my life easier. I love functional yet beautiful things. As a writer who loves her craft I adore fabulous planbooks to write in and make my plans for the day. It puts everything into perspective for me and in a much clearer light.  I am learning a great deal on this road. Things that I hope to pay forward once my journey is done. For now I will do the best I can with what I have been given and although I’d rather not be on this road I am mighty grateful to be here at all. No matter where I may have to walk on this road the point for me is that I’m still walking and that my friends is a blessing.

blogging · change · daily do's · empowerment · faith · fear · friendship · healing · honesty · hope · learning · life · love · motherhood · plannerperfect · planning · stories · truth · writer · writing

A Place of Ones Own

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I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.

I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones.  A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!

What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?

Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.

blogging · change · dialysis · empowerment · faith · fear · healing · honesty · hope · illness · kidney disease · life · truth · writer · writing

On the Transplant road…

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Everyone knows that I am on dialysis. I have been on it for a little over five years now. It hasn’t been easy in fact it has been a challenge and a trial for me. I’m sure that all of the people currently facing this disease feel exactly the same as I do. You merely exist while you’re on dialysis. Life becomes something only healthy people seem to experience. Our existence surrounds the need for treatment and when or where it will happen. We live from one treatment to another so plans for any other life experience must submit to the need for dialysis first. So here I am five years in but things are changing and I have decided to take you all on the road with me.
Yesterday was an all important day. After years of fighting with Medicaid I finally got the insurance I needed to get evaluated to finally get on the donor list. I am on my way! My evaluation went well. I spoke with doctors, nurses, social workers and dieticians. I still have to have many tests run before I am listed but the ball is rolling and that for me spells hope. The hope for renewed life. I took various tests while at the hospital yesterday. There were chest ex rays, blood tests and an electrocardiogram. Everything must be good before you’re even considered for a transplant. I must take optimal care of myself, I must be my greatest advocate if I want to be healthy again and I will be. Today is a dialysis day but today the light at the end of the tunnel is bright and I can feel its warmth on my face. I’m on my way.

EllieBloo