writing

Acceptance

We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.

  1. I want to want more than I need.

I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.

  1. Chose you first.

No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.

  1. Be ok with being alone

I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me. 

I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.

author · book · change · character · create · emotions · empowerment · faith · fear · feelings · healing · honesty · hope · learning · life · love · motherhood · recovery · Relationships · self · stories · truth · writer · writing

Breaking Cycles

Life is a wheel

As I sit here now I realize how true that statement is. We are at one time children living our lives with little idea of what to expect because we have never lived before. 

We don’t know what’s supposed to be now or what’s supposed to be next. 

We live wanting guidance but at the same time not wanting anyone to tell us what to do because we think we know when we know nothing, not really. 

We know we are here and we know we are small 

We know we have to follow directions and do it right so the big people won’t get mad at us and give us less directions allowing us a little more freedom, freedom we crave to keep the wheel turning if we ever want to get to be the big people giving the little people directions, and we want that so bad when we are little people don’t we?

I remember being the little person and I was not a fan. I always wanted to be the big person, the one to give the directions. I think it’s because I have too may bad memories about being the little person, the vulnerable one, the one without power taking bad directions that I could not deviate from.

When I became the big person I almost became the dictator, before the dream that is. the dream where my son was begging for my help because my mom was threatening to hit him. 

How I cried after that dream. 

How I changed. 

I broke the cycle in so many pieces it can never be put back together. 

I pulverized it and crushed it into so much dust that its molecules could never be reconstructed. 

I took myself and rebuilt myself. It was not easy, I’d been scattered. 

As I found the pieces I sewed them together with golden thread, the good moments.

I sewed all my broken pieces, it took years but I and built a better me, a stronger version infused with the little person and wrote my own directions. 

author · blogging · empowerment · faith · fear · friendship · healing · honesty · hope · motherhood · truth · writer · writing

How to grow….. Effective Change

    change wordle     

         Changes are something that seems to come weather you want it or not. Sometimes you see it coming, the necessity of it loud and clear.

The time has come for change.

It can be any type of change for anything and still take you by surprise and be completely unexpected yet somehow you know. You know when something is not working and when it needs to change, when you need to change. 

BUT HOW?

  • How do you take those first difficult steps to make effective and lasting change?
  • What gives you the strength and purpose to move forward. You must be brave, I find.

You must be willing to do what you must without fear of how it will affect anyone else or their situation. I am not speaking of cruelty here or of not caring about people in general. I am speaking of doing what’s right for you. What makes you happy and leads you toward the purpose you find you are here for. Those are the greatest questions one must ask.

What makes you happy? Why are you here and what is your purpose. What do you want to get out of this life?

These questions have been plaguing me as of late. Breaking my concentration every time I find myself in a situation I know I don’t want to be in or doing something I don’t want to do. That’s where the knowing begins to surface and grow like a weed in your psyche. Making you unhappy. A symptom of being in a situation you don’t want to be in. A flashlight if you will on what you need to change. Those are poignant moments of clarity and we need to listen clearly and openly because they’re doors to we need to go through, roads we need to follow. Breadcrumbs in the forest of our destiny. 

blogging · faith · fear · healing · honesty · hope · life · love · motherhood · stories · truth · writer · writing

My Mothers Daughter

My Mothers Daughter

20121011-132035.jpg

Sometimes people do things that just make you go hmm? I don’t know if they don’t see it as you do or just choose to play ignorant. Many times I don’t think its ignorance I think it’s their overwhelming need to feed their own desires to the point where they don’t care weather they’re offending someone else. These thoughts have brought to bear.
I wonder, am I too much like my mother?
Just a bit more educated due to the times I guess but very similar in the inability to take shit. I am a grudge holder and like her I hate liars and seedy behavior in men in particular. I was raised in a certain way you see, a very Latin way where respect and truth were tantamount and if they were not there the person was not worth spending your time with. I still believe this which begs to question, is that why my mother is single to this day? Perhaps I have been looking at it all wrong. I held the assumption that my mother was not involved with anyone these many years because she held a torch, still for someone from her past. Maybe I’m thinking now, she just got sick of the bullshit and refused to settle. Maybe she just got tired of men using their excuse, men are going to be men. Maybe she is that rare individual, that rare strong woman that has stood by her very words for all these years and lived them, and refused to back down.

“ Better alone than in bad company.”

This had been her motto for years and in all that time this is the first time that I have assimilated it to the life she has lived, and completely understand it. Never have I seen my mother with anyone not worthy of her or her company and if she has and has deemed them so, they’ve been removed surgically, to the point that to us, her children they became invisible. She had and still has an uncanny way of detecting superficiality and falsehood in people. Another trait that she has passed on to me. I can detect a fake like a jeweler. Male or female.

So that’s where I get my strength from. My ability to put myself first so that I may be stronger for those who matter in my life.
My ability to refuse mistreatment or disrespect from any man. The refusal to accept the ridiculous notion that “men will be men” The ability to be alone but never lonely. To stand on my own two feet no matter what comes my way.
My mother the hero. Without knowing I have not only been her daughter but her sponge. I have absorbed her through years of learning. Years of character building. I can not imagine who I would have been otherwise. I am her catalyst.
In a few weeks i will be 43. My mom just turned 64 yesterday and still stands strong. Still stands by her values and beliefs and still refuses to settle for people that don’t deserve her on all levels of her life. Kicking ass and taking names.
I have a lot to learn yet but I believe the bones have been set. The cast has been removed and I am,

My mothers daughter.

Stay tuned…