I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.
I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones. A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!
What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?
Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.
Have you ever felt that as you get older time seems to fly faster? Do you remember how long it seemed to take for the holidays to arrive? I remember how Halloween felt a year away in January and how Christmas seemed to take forever to arrive. Even when I was a teenager we went through the school year as if we had been sentenced to a million years in purgatory with no sign of summer vacation in sight. How things change and how you become more understanding of how your parents must have seen things.
Now that I will be 46 in a couple of weeks how my perspective has changed. How I have changed. I am a realist, always have been. There are no delusions here. The changes are clear and I don’t deceive anyone about them, least of all myself. The first of these changes is how time seems to fly. We have not celebrated Halloween when here comes Christmas bypassing thanksgiving. There’s no time to so much as enjoy one before another pops up. It’s a rat race, scavenger hunt and tag you’re it game all in one. As an adult you only get to prepare but never really enjoy the celebrations you held so dear and with such anticipation as a child. I miss that. For me the physical changes are enough to deal with. The exhaustion that comes out of nowhere, those little things you forget though you just heard it a minute ago and the ever so deep plunge your patience takes with people who make no sense. You know what I mean? That last one is a doosie for me. I have never had much patience to begin with. Especially for ignorance or stupidity from any source. The only people who get a pass are kids and that depends on the age. Sometimes. Most times the child is a product of the parent but that is another subject for another time.
Now as far as emotions go I find that the most difficult. Aging is an angry bitch with a hacksaw. She hacks at your face and body without mercy until only the shadow of who you were remains. The worst part of that is your brain remembers. It remembers youth. The freshness of your young face before the sun spots, the young hands before the lines set in. It remembers and teases you and entices you. It even tries to convince you that you have not aged and can continue to do that which you did twenty or even thirty years ago. Reality then hits you when you cant lift that leg as high or run that fast if you can run at all without gasping that is. Age my friend is a clown with bad makeup and no friends. Still we love her. I do because as I age I learn. With all it’s pains I see my children grow and flourish and I am part of that. That makes me welcome age as my best friend because she’s been with me 45 years and still I am here. Dialysis will come and go and my transplant will come when it comes. I will continue to hold her hand as long as I can. My greatest wish is to hold her tight and do it with grace, dignity and most of all with my mind fully intact.
Have you ever sat down and really thought about what brings you peace?
Have you ever contemplated in silence perhaps what really gives you that sense of total serenity and what you are willing to do to find and keep it?
I am sitting here thinking about just that and decided why not write about it. It’s funny but when I thought about serenity and peace, money was not the first thing to come to me. I didn’t think boy if I was rich I’d have peace. The first thing I actually thought of was an island paradise and silence.
Not the type with a huge hotel or luxurious amenities but a small island with clear blue water and simple palm trees with a hammock in between. A little cottage not far behind with a room full of books, the one I love, a warm fireplace in a cozy living room, dressed in pastel colors. That’s what sounds like serenity to me. There are no delusions of grand living in my dreams of peace, just simplicity.
I think deep down we all feel this way. I believe all we want is simplicity. The ability to live without having to stress about the most unnecessary things, all those things we think we can’t live without. The rub comes down to this.
What are you willing to do to get it?
Are you willing to live simply?
To give up all of those things you think you just can’t live without if it means you’d have that feeling of complete serenity?
Where is that place for you and are you willing to go there?
For me the answer is yes. Then again I have always been a simple person. Dialysis has taught me that life is not all it’s cracked up to be and neither are all those things we feel we can’t live without. It is surprising what we really “need” to live. If you were to really think on it you’d find it’s not much at all. I’ll even wager that if any of us were trapped in a paradise island like the one I dream of, few would refuse to stay. Most would give up the rat race and maybe even read a book.
May we all find our serenity soon.
This is a loaded question. There are so many things I wish I knew when I was 18 that had I known them my life would be unrecognizable even to me.
The greatest of those would have been slow down, nothing is that serious! You can cruise your life and do it right.
You don’t have to run.
Had I followed this knowledge perhaps I would have not committed half of the mistakes I committed in my life or at the very least I would have made different ones with better results.
I also wish I had known I had options in life. That I had better choices than the ones other people had for me. That I could be myself and my choices were mine to make. Had I known this I would have lived fuller and taken the world by storm much sooner.
I am still trying to take it though and that counts don’t it?
Still I would have explored the world.
Chosen many more adventures, seen many more sights.
Had I slowed down I would have waited to do many of the things I did way too soon like getting married at 18,having three children by the age of 29, or quitting college that I may have been a better, more educated parent for my children. Although I did the best I could and to this day I am quite proud of y sons and daughter. I still wish I had known that I could do better, for me.
Because I know that I could have been greater than I am now.
Still, I also know that everything happens for a reason. I know that I traded being a wiser mother for being a mother who was more open minded, virile and willing to learn from her children. As they grew I grew. I taught them and they taught me that I didn’t have to be perfect. That I was o.k. the way I was because I truly loved them.
I learned that I became a mom at just the right time because had I waited too long I would, because of my kidney disease not been able to be a mom at all and that would have hurt me more than any needle. So God had a plan after all and I am good with that.
So yes, I wish I had known a few things when I was younger but I guess that’s what youth is all about. Learning and becoming. I figure if we knew everything there would be no need to live and I intend to live with all my mistakes and success in tow.
All I can honestly tell you is to be proud of you. We have come this far and too many haven’t. Plus I am correcting one mistake this fall. I’m going back to college. And I won’t quit because this time my kids will be in the audience to see me.
I wouldn’t miss it for the world!
we spoke, we always speak he and I
some of the most interesting and intriguing conversations of my life
they light my mind
and today was no different
today was transforming
a man aches
he can ache as hard and profoundly as any soul, as any woman
As I have been, so has he been
hurt badly time and time again and still we found each other
through the rubble of our existence and all we have endured we laugh
is love laughter despite the tragedy that can follow you blindly through
or is love understanding that we are all human and have wounds within us which
we could only hope another
like us understands
is love a journey you are willing to take with another
one you can hold on to so that you may each be that crutch for one another,
walking thru the mines
That have taken a bit of each of you
Leaving you both with a slight limp
before you found each other
Is love a blending
As we blend
When we are together
Not knowing where you begin
And I end
and every time we speak
i look at the mirror that is me
in him and through his eyes i see
that we have both seen tragedy
the wisdom of pain has marked us both
and so we are both ready
to just love
for each other that which we tried to be for others
suffocated in their un acceptance and insecurity
i have found love with knowledge
in a time when i least expected it you see
We only think we know what we need until we meet our eternity
Our forever in another’s eyes
Who sees the shadows of our
Complexity and still
Wants to stay
And it’s in no complicated manner
The way we blend
I fit in his jagged crevices and he
Washes my bruises away
Thru simple words that are not
Always I love you
The truth never begs to be
Repeated it just is
We want and do what we would do for those who
Never accepted our natural
He beats for me
Teaching me that my wait was not a burden to be born
But a slow meal
He has come to serve
And in return
I will feed
And grow strong
Fattening each-other’s souls
With faith in what is
What will be
What is to come
What we’ve become
Here are a few of today’s drawings. It feels good to let the fun out sometimes. Hope you all enjoy 🙂