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Journals

I have always journaled. For over 45 years now that I think on it. I began at about 15 years old and I’m currently 51 so. It has always been a passion for me. I have had a long love affair with the paper and the pen. It is my form of meditation and it is deeply embedded in my soul. I don’t feel whole if I have not written each day. I’ve had countless journals and my life is written down in many forms. I don’t only write. I paint, collage and draw as well. Whatever catches my eye, mind or heart ends up between the pages eventually. Here are a few of my current journals.

My current journals
writing

Acceptance

We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.

  1. I want to want more than I need.

I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.

  1. Chose you first.

No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.

  1. Be ok with being alone

I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me. 

I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.

adventure · blogging · change · emotions · empowerment · faith · fear · feelings · healing · health · honesty · hope · illness · kidney disease · learning · life · recovery · self · transplant · truth · writing

Things to deal with: After the transplant road…

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Only a person who’s been on dialysis or the people they allow on their journey know what its like and all of the additional complications that come along after you’ve been transplanted. It is an ever going road pebbled with pot holes and detours as well as open smooth stretches. Still it’s one we rather be on than the one we were before. I am one year into my transplant, on anti rejection medications I administer every 12 hours and living life as best I can. I must admit it’s been pretty smooth sailing for me and I am mighty grateful for I have met too many people who’ve had a very hard time even after we think it’s supposed to be easy.

Today there is a hurdle. The access I have not used for over a year has decided to clot on me and it’s pretty painful. I informed my doctor of the issue and now I must see a cardio vascular doctor to see what can be done to open it up which might mean surgery, don’t know yet. For those who have been on dialysis it feels like when you’ve had an infiltration, so you know the pain is real. I’m dealing with it as most of us must and do on a regular basis. We find strength from within and from those in our corner. We travel the road trying to avoid the pot holes and pray for smooth roads. Today I was called a trooper by someone I love but I don’t see myself that way. I am simply a survivor who has adapted to jumping these hurdles because the good times are worth living for.

To everyone on dialysis out there, may your roads be smooth. May your hurdles be few and most of all may your moments worth living for be many. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

blogging · empowerment · faith · fear · healing · honesty · hope · illness · life · love · motherhood · truth · writer · writing

A life in the Drunk Tank

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 I recently read a blog that caused me to think deeply. I think that’s why I love blogging on WordPress as much as I do. I have come to meet many interesting people with very thought provoking blogs. This blog in particular made me think about the habits we acquire and nurture through the years. Sadly the ones we tend to nurture and feed the most are usually the bad ones like drug abuse and alcohol consumption.
So here I am thinking about what causes us to in essence mutilate our bodies from the inside out. There are many people who look great on the outside yet on the inside have been consumed by treacherous diseases with decisive endings. People who have begun innocently enough with either drinking socially, medicating themselves due to injury or just trying that weed for fun. I’m sure none of these people decided right there and then to be addicts. I believe life circumstances plus the feeling of freedom derived from substance drove them there.
I will tell you my first hand experience with substance abuse, you tell me what you think after.
I happened to be with a person who was addicted to alcohol for a very long time. He seems to be recovering now but for a very long time I was certain this person would die from his addiction. I. Still not sure on that front I just hope I am. I was there through the whole progression of this disease and I can certainly tell you that the person I first met before it took hold was not the person I knew at the beginning.
This person was a hard-working, fun-loving and innocent individual. He was very young and had great ambition to be great and do great things. What happened? I think life happened. I also think genetics and influence happened. Lack of family love and unity also happened and I think that had a great deal to do with his downfall.
Never in a million years did I ever believe the person I met would develop into someone suffering of alcoholism. Yes it’s true every time I visited his home his dad was drinking or drunk. Yes his brother was evidently a drunk as well but never did I think he would follow such wretched footsteps.
He was too smart. He wanted to get out, leave the area and the influence behind him and do great things. He went to the armed forces, graduated college with a 4.0 and his future shone like a star in the dark. Still, as I got to know him I realized he was like many of us a fractured soul. He told me once laughing that he knew that his mother didn’t love him. His grandma was all he had as a child, the only way he knew what love was but she had died when he was 14 leaving him lost. He was one of five children and now he felt he had to do it alone.
I tried to make sure he knew he had someone but I don’t think it ever really sunk in.
The progression was slow at first, a couple of beers with friends, a few at a family barbecue or a party. Two beers would do it at the beginning. The feeling of euphoria was accomplished lightly at first. Then there comes a time when you notice there are three to four beers on the table and it’s not just at parties anymore, now it’s for a movie while sitting on the couch and a few after work just because I’ve had a hard day. And so it begins. Suddenly he begins to feel better when he’s drinking Because it beats feeling any pain. It beats having to feel and deal with what’s really going on inside. It beats having to confront the daemons of a failing relationship. And so it continues. You try confronting them but they never have a problem. The person trying to save them is often depicted as the crazy one. That genie in the bottle is powerful and quite convincing so they make-believe they can stop, and they do, for a few days just to prove the concerned party wrong. But you’re not wrong.
Then a tragedy befalls them, a parent dies and the bottle becomes the consoling friend. I had lost the battle before I even knew I was in one. For fourteen years I was in one. Married to a disease I could not cure. Beside the ghost of a person I once swore I knew.
This disease tore me as much as anything could. Even the pain of being on dialysis now is no comparison to being involved in such a tragedy. Seeing my children in this destruction killed my soul in irrevocable ways to the point where anyone drinking brings me to panic. There was nothing to do but leave, let it go for the health of those who depended on me most as well as myself.
There is nothing like seeing someone deteriorate before your eyes. To see a transformation so complete as to make you certain you have never met that person before.
To this day I fear my sons drinking. It would kill me to see my children befall the tragedy their dad has gone through.
There were, I think many circumstances that drove this vehicle in his life but I also know that we have the strength to say no, to refuse to repeat the cycle. Perhaps I am being naive to some yet I do know this. I have suffered much and never did I think of nullifying my pain. Perhaps it’s as simple as some of us are stronger than others. That I don’t know. What I do know is that I pray for everyone suffering this whether they are the substance abuser or the one looking from the outside in for we deal with it just as deeply. I don’t know your pain or your sorrow. I only ask that if you love someone, that you give them a chance at life.
That you give yourself the same. You are worth the fight.

fear · life · love · poet · poetry · stories · writer · writing

Rage

A life is less ordinary when lived under the knife
All the possibilities become
Should haves that would have been done
Before the blade fell
Inconsistent days blaze a trail through your
Existence half in shadow
Rage against the dying of the light or so
The line goes
As you get bled dry
Darkness still falls
And rage is of no use when no one is really listening.

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