writing

Acceptance

We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.

  1. I want to want more than I need.

I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.

  1. Chose you first.

No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.

  1. Be ok with being alone

I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me. 

I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.

author · blogging · fear · healing · health · honesty · hope · learning · life · love · poet · poetry · stories · Uncategorized · writer · writing

The cycle


Breaking the cycle 

Is not easy 

The wheel you go around in has spokes

and is perfectly round, so hard to stop

once it gets rolling

trampling everything in its wake

even when you love it

you can still step on it 

Breaking it. 

fear · healing · honesty · poet · poetry · truth · writer · writing

Unspoken…. Day 23 NPWM

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Blue, purple red wine
Passages through the lips
Of the dishonest
Words like rabid soap bubbles
Burst forth in agony
This is the only time for the truth
The psyche an album of broken dreams
Handicapped restrained limbs
Lost in tears like traces of a horror picture
Where there is no queen
And No one wants to live
Wake up!
You have arrived at your destiny

life · love · poet · poetry · writer · writing

Lost Heart…. NaPoWriMo Day 4

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I only wanted love
Nothing more
It made no difference how it came
There were no strings attached
No you must be this way, no blame
No I’m not insane
His kindness was my request
The respect you would give a fellow guest

Not beyond coming to you
As long as you came to me too
Easy to agree
Me and you
Their lied the clue that I had placed my bet
On a fool

At times the heart can rest in your breast
Askew
But his tongue was sweetened with syllables of deceit
Everything he wanted I had it
In me
He said, you see
How can one not fall
The lies were never tall
For a girl in love with love
Like me