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The Power we give… I have had relationships before and many of them have really tested my resolve. I think most relationships begin similarly with this amazing attraction you swear you have never felt this strongly before, this superhuman feeling that you have finally found the right one, the love of your life and sometimes that is true. This relationship can be the one that lasts a lifetime I’ve seen it. Trust however that there will be trials. That you will have to pick your battles to fight and some will test your faith and most of all your resolve to even stay in it because sometimes you’re not just fighting circumstances you are fighting all of the trauma or issues of the person you’re with and people can sometimes make themselves quite difficult to love. Sometimes purposely hoping you will give up and give them the freedom to continue not having to face their issues. Maybe they’re comfortable with them. We all have a level of comfortability we are not willing to part with. I am comfortable in my ways but I am always willing to learn and accommodate for the sake of making my partner happy, sometimes too much and that is where sometimes for me the trouble begins. I am a giver. I give so much in a relationship that sometimes it leaves me feeling empty. I couldn’t clearly explain what about me makes me feel I need to be this way but I am. I tend to fall in love with my whole being. My heart, mind, body and soul all become fully invested in the relationship to the point where I loose myself and suffer on behalf of every little thing done to me. I take it all extremely personal and my wounds become infected with the poison of need and regret easily. Especially when I feel rejected by the person I love. In turn instead of retreating like some people will do I give more all in hopes that they will see me and what I’m worth. Not that I don’t know what I’m worth because I do but we all know the heart has a mind of its own. Still with enough ill treatment I give up and release the person fully because my release is as pungent as my love. When I release someone I release them completely. Delete everything I have ever done with them along with all the love I might have felt. Of course love is harder to release but once I have decided to release someone there is no going back. There is no friendship or future conversations to be had. There is just a clean slate and a new beginning for myself alone without the temptation of calling when I feel down or the need to back peddle because unlike others I never forget the persons faults or what they did to cause me pain. I become clear and enlightened in every respect and act accordingly. That is the only way I have learned to save myself thus far. I give, yes but that in no way implies that one would have any ability or leave to take advantage of me. What I give I give freely and with love in my heart but abuse is not tolerated. I have been known to give away too much power away over myself in love but I can always take that power back. Usually it’s at great cost to myself but I do get it back. I cry it out and I suffer for my foolishness because I have refused to believe someone even when they have shown me who they are but when someone becomes an ache and sadness that settles in your heart, when the sorrow is larger than the joy you have to make a choice to continue or save yourself. Many times we continue to fool ourselves, and when we receive a bone from the other person that makes us feel in the least bit wanted, we accept it greedily hoarding it as a child would their favorite toy. Letting it keep the fire of hope alive wanting it to light the fire of another heart which we really have no control over. Love is hard. As hard as it can be rewarding when its real and genuine. We go on this way too much, too often but its part of what makes us human. No one ever said love would be easy especially when it’s expected to endure. You would think in my 48 years I would have it figured out. Impossible but I treck on because though I have suffered and sometimes severely, I believe in people. I believe in love. I believe in being myself and giving.There’s something genuine about that, something pure and I love that about me.

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Lately I have been asking questions. Not questions of others but questions of myself. Most of these questions are about what affects me and how to improve my life, mind and spirit. Most people who know me know that I am not one to put my business out there but I think these questions, and my answers are productive to my life and therefore may be to others at least to make them think. In the spirit of sharing growth I figured that ever so often I will share my questions of the day. I hope they will enlighten your thought process and awaken your spirit as they do mine…

~How can the cycles of shedding and re-growth in nature teach me to let go?
I see the trees grow and shed every year. I see flowers die and grow in the same spot each year. Sometimes more beautiful than ever. The cycle of rebirth reminds me of the impermanence of it all. I must remember to let go as the earth does.

~Are my thoughts hampered by regrets of the past?
Sometimes. There are moments that I feel there is so much to regret and it brings me down. All the should haves and would haves can be numbing. But then I go on.

-Is my vision of the future supple enough that experience can guide me?
No. Because we tend to forget our experiences, I do. My vision is altered based on my day many times. I must be more present.

~How can I transform the idea of stress into being called to dance?
Focus less on the drama of life and breathe. Look at the beauty of what’s good despite your minds voice.

~Do I believe that as a human being, I am not connected to what I see?
No. I know that I’m connected but when you ignore connection, it may as well not exist. Human connection was not one of my greatest lessons in life.

~What give and take is required of me when I dance with a partner?
I must be more open to taking and accepting. It’s so difficult when you have been dancing alone for years, but I’m learning the two step.

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In search of a gay Best Friend…


I have many acquaintances but as I’ve reiterated before, few friends. Recently I had begun to think about the gay best friend dynamic. What is it that makes the friendship so unified. What makes women want to have that one gay best friend? I was watching Will and Grace the other day and could not help but be a little jealous that I have never had a male bestie. I would love to have a real male friend who I could really be that honest with and he with me. All of this made me wonder what is all the hype about and is there a real Will and Grace out there.
What is the recipe? Is it the fact that it’s a friendship like no other? Is it that you can actually get the benefits of actually being best friends with the opposite sex without all of the complications of attraction? The jury is still out on that one, I really don’t know. The truth of it for me is that it looks fun. You can get all the secrets into men’s souls and not have to worry that the confidant will come on to you lol. You can share ideas and get honest answers.
Let’s be honest ladies we love our men but most of them don’t want to hear a out female issues or give you the gods honest truth a out them either. No man out there want to divulge the male code or break the man law. Anyhow these are the questions that cruise through my head on a daily basis I wanted to share it with you? Has this ever crossed your mind? Do tell.