Posted in author, blogging, change, character, companionship, connection, couples, diolog, emotions, empowerment, faith, feelings, healing, health, help, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, needs, opinion, recovery, Relationships, self, selflove, truth, writer, writing

The Power we give… I have had relationships before and many of them have really tested my resolve. I think most relationships begin similarly with this amazing attraction you swear you have never felt this strongly before, this superhuman feeling that you have finally found the right one, the love of your life and sometimes that is true. This relationship can be the one that lasts a lifetime I’ve seen it. Trust however that there will be trials. That you will have to pick your battles to fight and some will test your faith and most of all your resolve to even stay in it because sometimes you’re not just fighting circumstances you are fighting all of the trauma or issues of the person you’re with and people can sometimes make themselves quite difficult to love. Sometimes purposely hoping you will give up and give them the freedom to continue not having to face their issues. Maybe they’re comfortable with them. We all have a level of comfortability we are not willing to part with. I am comfortable in my ways but I am always willing to learn and accommodate for the sake of making my partner happy, sometimes too much and that is where sometimes for me the trouble begins. I am a giver. I give so much in a relationship that sometimes it leaves me feeling empty. I couldn’t clearly explain what about me makes me feel I need to be this way but I am. I tend to fall in love with my whole being. My heart, mind, body and soul all become fully invested in the relationship to the point where I loose myself and suffer on behalf of every little thing done to me. I take it all extremely personal and my wounds become infected with the poison of need and regret easily. Especially when I feel rejected by the person I love. In turn instead of retreating like some people will do I give more all in hopes that they will see me and what I’m worth. Not that I don’t know what I’m worth because I do but we all know the heart has a mind of its own. Still with enough ill treatment I give up and release the person fully because my release is as pungent as my love. When I release someone I release them completely. Delete everything I have ever done with them along with all the love I might have felt. Of course love is harder to release but once I have decided to release someone there is no going back. There is no friendship or future conversations to be had. There is just a clean slate and a new beginning for myself alone without the temptation of calling when I feel down or the need to back peddle because unlike others I never forget the persons faults or what they did to cause me pain. I become clear and enlightened in every respect and act accordingly. That is the only way I have learned to save myself thus far. I give, yes but that in no way implies that one would have any ability or leave to take advantage of me. What I give I give freely and with love in my heart but abuse is not tolerated. I have been known to give away too much power away over myself in love but I can always take that power back. Usually it’s at great cost to myself but I do get it back. I cry it out and I suffer for my foolishness because I have refused to believe someone even when they have shown me who they are but when someone becomes an ache and sadness that settles in your heart, when the sorrow is larger than the joy you have to make a choice to continue or save yourself. Many times we continue to fool ourselves, and when we receive a bone from the other person that makes us feel in the least bit wanted, we accept it greedily hoarding it as a child would their favorite toy. Letting it keep the fire of hope alive wanting it to light the fire of another heart which we really have no control over. Love is hard. As hard as it can be rewarding when its real and genuine. We go on this way too much, too often but its part of what makes us human. No one ever said love would be easy especially when it’s expected to endure. You would think in my 48 years I would have it figured out. Impossible but I treck on because though I have suffered and sometimes severely, I believe in people. I believe in love. I believe in being myself and giving.There’s something genuine about that, something pure and I love that about me.

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Posted in artist, author, blogging, character, companionship, connection, couples, create, dating, diolog, emotions, empowerment, faith, fear, feelings, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, listening, love, lovers, loyalty, needs, opinion, self, selflove, simplicity, trust, writer, writing

What is love? Questions…

 

I am 48 and I sill wonder what love is. I have some ideas of what love is but at times I still wonder and I think its because every time I think I have it figured out I get knocked on my ass as God laughs and waves a preverbal finger my way saying “That’s not it”, you my dear have much yet to learn. And I know I do. I am a lover but I have a fair amount of fighter in me as well. I want to know things when I want to know them and I want to know them for sure. Love can’t be researched though, its the language of the heart and we are all just trying to figure it out in our own way. I know love is kind, patient, trusting and all that good stuff or at least its supposed to be that way. I am loving and I try to be kind although my patience sucks ass most of the time. This I know and have been told by several people. Still aside from those things, what is love to you?

To me it’s being there for the ones you claim to love.

44Being honest even when you think it will hurt.

Trusting and keeping your word.

.Being faithful if it’s a relationship and treating the person as you yourself want to be treated. Of all of the other things I think this is what love is the most because if you treat others as you’d like to be treated yourself everything else falls into place.

What do you call love?

Posted in author, faith, friendship, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, lovers, passion, poet, poetry, sex, writing

sexy20couple

like the softest of winds
in the darkness unseen
smooth and sudden he became my sin
black velvet body
smile like a king
drawing me in
I’m suffocating
chasing
expanding
creating
edible dreams
sugar and whipped cream solutions
for the disapproval of kin
command me to be well
as i worship his skin
a thousand touches
for the unquenchable thirst within
love given and returned
in the span of a head spin
out of control
before skin met skin
shall we begin
again
again
and again

 

Posted in blogging, change, daily do's, empowerment, faith, fear, friendship, healing, honesty, hope, learning, life, love, motherhood, plannerperfect, planning, stories, truth, writer, writing

A Place of Ones Own

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I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.

I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones.  A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!

What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?

Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.

Posted in author, honesty, hope, life, love, poet, poetry, truth, writer, writing

Why?

When I think of you
There are no butterflies
Instead there is a feeling of drunkenness that does not allow me
To think
Straight
I hear no songs of love or feel no woozy feeling
Of everlasting enduring bliss
Although I do feel overwhelmed by you
When you look at me
Responding to a question I’ve asked you
Two hours before

When I look at you
There are no double visions
Faint feelings of fainting at seeing the love of my life
Or shit like that
That only lasts about a Minute when people think they’re in love
But aren’t
Because when they don’t see you
It’s out of sight out of mind
And you stick to mine like glue
You know?

It’s when I feel you or taste you
That shit becomes real for me cause you’re
In my blood like a stream
In a really long song that you think will never end
And you taste like when you eat the best fruit ever
And wish it will never end
And that’s why I know this love is real
For me
I don’t know about you
Cause you’re the one who gets inside me every time
True?

I just float beneath or above you
Knowing there’s something potent there like
A warm home cooked meal on a cold cold day
when you swear your fingers will fall off from lack of heat
and your feet want to compete
with the rest of your body
on who gets home first
out of need to be around you

thats some shit
this love thing
but I still wonder
why?

Posted in blogging, empowerment, fear, healing, honesty, hope, life, love, truth, writer, writing

UnSettled on Love

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People who want to change you don’t love you. They love something about you.

When I hear people discuss love you would think it’s the hardest thing in the world as if they were discussing nuclear war instead of love which when honest and true is the simplest thing in the world. Loving is accepting someone purely as they came into your life without reserve. In my opinion when you love someone truly there is nothing that person needs to do to make you love them because you already do.

That person doesn’t need to become or mold into any preconceived notions of who anyone else thinks they should be, they can just be. They can be honest, pure, true, them. When you fall in love with someone and they immediately have something they want you to change, they’re not in love with you they love something about you. Something is not all. If you have to assimilate you’re settling and will never be truly happy.

Think about it.

Posted in blogging, empowerment, faith, healing, honesty, life, love, truth, writer, writing

X marks the Spot

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I have never been able to stay friends with an ex. I just never have seen the need or reason to. Some people are great at staying friends with people they’ve slept with and broken ties with at least the physical ones. I am not one of those people. I have never felt the need to continue a relationship with a man who has not worked out for me. After all there was a reason it didn’t work out.

To me, you’re an ex for a reason. I am not saying you’re a bad person because if you were completely bad we would have never had any kind of connection however for me, if we’re done we’re done. I wish you well but I also wish you to move on. There is no need to keep conversing with you about our past, what went wrong or what could have been. I have no need to be in your life or hear about your current possibilities with the new woman you’re with, but that’s just me. That is why I don’t understand these men or women who can’t seem to let go.

I see these people directly or indirectly following their ex’s on Facebook or twitter like prepubescent 12 year olds to find out what the ex is doing and who they’re doing it with. I see them altering their hashtags or statuses with hidden barbs toward the ex or even worst the new person in their life as if that new person had anything to do with the failure of their relationship. High school revisited.

I wonder if these ex’s ever stop to think that the new person has no idea nor cares about what happened with them? This new person is busy trying to make their own relationship work so let it go. I have never been one to harp on an ex, not even an ex husband much less an ex boyfriend. And I certainly am not going to blame the person they moved on with. What the hell do I have to do with them.

Still, I understand the feelings involved because I’ve been hurt and I am a woman. There are things that are hard to get over but I won’t be blaming anyone but the person I had the relationship with. I suggest making the right calculations before you call the other woman or man names or blame them for your failures. Place your anger and disdain where and on who it belongs or better yet cease and desist, move on and let it go. Grow up and move on.Nuff said.