I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.
I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones. A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!
What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?
Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.
An empty page is an intimidating thing. I sit here before a blank screen just as blank. What to do? I have a blog and no feeling to write. This is a forced exercise to say something so I figure I will just speak to you all. It’s Sunday afternoon and I am in my office looking at everything that surrounds me.
I have a desk I bought in pieces, which my man helped me put together. It’s two horses and four planks and he screwed them in so it’s very sturdy. I drew all over it too. I find it beautiful and suits me to a t. I have my own printer/ scanner and typewriter. There are also a multitude of gadgets such as an ipad, iphone, samsung note 3, samsung 10.1 pad and a samsung chrome book. Suffice it to say that I don’t need anymore electronics. Life was simpler when I just had pen and paper. I found it so much easier to write. I came to the page with a pen and a dream, and I wrote.
It seems now that with social media it’s as if everything which needs to be said gets said throughout the day on twitter with its 140 characters, on instagram with a photo or on facebook with a combination of both so what would I have to say that you’d like to hear? What have I not said before?
I know! My life. That I have not said before and it is uniquely to me and so I will tell toy my life from now on. We will go to the very beginning as far as I can remember. This will be my story so no one else will have it. There will be no replications of it, it will be me in my entirety. I am happy to share. I shall give you me. I hope you’re ready because I don’t know that I am but I have waded into the water now and there is no going back. The life and opinions of elliebloo is now born. Like it or not.
Here I come.
It is so true that the people who come into our lives can change us. They can alter us in ways we don’t even see until they have been gone too long for us to remember.
Those who have loved us fitfully can alter us to be better lovers just as those who have hurt us can transform us into bitter souls who only remember pain. I wonder is it really up to us to allow someone to change us or do circumstances ingrained into our psyche transform us whether we like it or not?
I, as many of us have gone through a lot in my life. I have been hurt and disappointed by friends, family or lovers many times over and I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that those situations have altered me and the way I commune with people. I know they have.
I know that I am quick to put up a wall, to look into things where there might be nothing or to over think a situation until it resembles nothing near the facts.
I know that I am quick to react and cut people off if I even slightly smell an odor of untruth about them and boy am I good at it too!
I know that I can be quick to judge a person who’s hurt me in the past and even quicker at not trusting them again.
Still, I am also quick to love and despite my own instincts I am quick to trust until I am given a reason not to. I am quick to listen. I learn.
The most interesting thing for me is that I know what has changed me and actively work on the negative aspects of it. I often stand on the sidelines of myself and reflect on my reactions to what affects me and I try. I can’t say I catch them all even when I’m aware but I can say I try. I try to not allow other people’s actions to change who i am at my most basic.I try not to allow my previous experiences to stain my present or future negatively.
I try to stay true to me and to you. That’s a beginning.
Have you ever sat down and really thought about what brings you peace?
Have you ever contemplated in silence perhaps what really gives you that sense of total serenity and what you are willing to do to find and keep it?
I am sitting here thinking about just that and decided why not write about it. It’s funny but when I thought about serenity and peace, money was not the first thing to come to me. I didn’t think boy if I was rich I’d have peace. The first thing I actually thought of was an island paradise and silence.
Not the type with a huge hotel or luxurious amenities but a small island with clear blue water and simple palm trees with a hammock in between. A little cottage not far behind with a room full of books, the one I love, a warm fireplace in a cozy living room, dressed in pastel colors. That’s what sounds like serenity to me. There are no delusions of grand living in my dreams of peace, just simplicity.
I think deep down we all feel this way. I believe all we want is simplicity. The ability to live without having to stress about the most unnecessary things, all those things we think we can’t live without. The rub comes down to this.
What are you willing to do to get it?
Are you willing to live simply?
To give up all of those things you think you just can’t live without if it means you’d have that feeling of complete serenity?
Where is that place for you and are you willing to go there?
For me the answer is yes. Then again I have always been a simple person. Dialysis has taught me that life is not all it’s cracked up to be and neither are all those things we feel we can’t live without. It is surprising what we really “need” to live. If you were to really think on it you’d find it’s not much at all. I’ll even wager that if any of us were trapped in a paradise island like the one I dream of, few would refuse to stay. Most would give up the rat race and maybe even read a book.
May we all find our serenity soon.
We all have fears. Some overpower us and make us into a mere shadow of who we are meant to be, what we are meant to do.
Before my fortieth birthday I would venture to say that my fears were minimal. There were few things I could honestly say I feared besides my children’s safety, their upkeep or raising them properly. I honestly think it is inherent in all of us to believe ourselves invincible.
That is why we find it so difficult to accept death or illness. God taught us to create life and so death seems unnatural although it is not.
Perhaps it is the fear of the unknown that shocks us most. Not knowing where you’re going can be a powerful catalyst for stopping you in your tracks and shaking your boots loose.
Still, fear has finally found me as it finds us all some time or other. It has found me in the form of kidney failure and dialysis treatments. It found me in the form of needing a transplant.
My fear is not getting the kidney I need to keep living. That I will have to continue existing plugged into a machine twice a week until my body gives out. That my life will not be all that I know it can be. This fear has in turn has caused a snowball effect as most fears do. Once we fear one thing we open the door to so many other fears. Now I fear not seeing my children getting married, not seeing graduations or grandchildren. Fear of this disease and what it does to my body has made less of me but not to the point where I have lost the woman I am underneath.
Fear can overpower us, yes it can, but only if we allow it. It can transform us into shadows but only if we dim our inner light and stop holding steadfast to our faith. It can change us but it doesn’t have to alter who we are.
I fall into my fear sometimes still but every day is less. Every day I remind myself that I am not the only ill person in the world. There are people out there suffering of terrible ailments worst than mine without the love and support I am blessed to have. I know that as bad as this may seem at times I am here for a reason.
I am alive for a purpose. I have been blessed.
So if you find yourself in fear remember all of those things we forget when fear grips us in its icy hold. You are still here. You are alive for a purpose. Fear does not have you unless you give it permission so hold fast to what you believe and turn up your light.
And if all else fails, come to me and I will help you remember that you too are blessed.
This is easy. I have always wanted to go to Italy, Florence and Rome in particular. It has been my wish to do this ever since I was 20 years old and fell in love with the renaissance and Michelangelo’s work.
I first found him at the library and I don’t know what it was that struck me most, the beauty of his sculpture, his paintings or his architecture. It was all so foreign to me how one person could be so talented and do so much. I was in awe of his talent and I still am. For me he epitomizes art. The way he looked at things and his attention to detail makes him, for me, the greatest example of an artist. Out of all of the artists I admire, he is my absolute favorite and it is his work that calls me to Italy the most.
Italy itself is enough for me to want to go. The streets full of beautiful squares and cafes’ hound my every thought. I dream of cavorting through the coliseum, looking into the eyes of David (although most likely it will be his but as tall as he is) and staring up at the ceiling of the Sistine chapel. I imagine eating gelato while sitting on the Spanish steps and walking through the roman forum snapping picture after picture to record my memories.
So many artists in one place and so many beautiful works would tempt anyone with a love of the arts to pack their bags without a thought and board a plane immediately. I know I would if I could.
As to what has kept me from it besides living my life and raising my children? I would have to say it’s been what keeps most of us from traveling to far off lands. Money or the lack of it I should say. Unfortunately I have not had the funds to go to Italy yet, but I will. Somehow and someway I will get there.
One day not too far from now I will be sitting beside myself with utter joy eating my gelato at the piazza beside the steps. I will remember writing this post.
And I will laugh!
This is a loaded question. There are so many things I wish I knew when I was 18 that had I known them my life would be unrecognizable even to me.
The greatest of those would have been slow down, nothing is that serious! You can cruise your life and do it right.
You don’t have to run.
Had I followed this knowledge perhaps I would have not committed half of the mistakes I committed in my life or at the very least I would have made different ones with better results.
I also wish I had known I had options in life. That I had better choices than the ones other people had for me. That I could be myself and my choices were mine to make. Had I known this I would have lived fuller and taken the world by storm much sooner.
I am still trying to take it though and that counts don’t it?
Still I would have explored the world.
Chosen many more adventures, seen many more sights.
Had I slowed down I would have waited to do many of the things I did way too soon like getting married at 18,having three children by the age of 29, or quitting college that I may have been a better, more educated parent for my children. Although I did the best I could and to this day I am quite proud of y sons and daughter. I still wish I had known that I could do better, for me.
Because I know that I could have been greater than I am now.
Still, I also know that everything happens for a reason. I know that I traded being a wiser mother for being a mother who was more open minded, virile and willing to learn from her children. As they grew I grew. I taught them and they taught me that I didn’t have to be perfect. That I was o.k. the way I was because I truly loved them.
I learned that I became a mom at just the right time because had I waited too long I would, because of my kidney disease not been able to be a mom at all and that would have hurt me more than any needle. So God had a plan after all and I am good with that.
So yes, I wish I had known a few things when I was younger but I guess that’s what youth is all about. Learning and becoming. I figure if we knew everything there would be no need to live and I intend to live with all my mistakes and success in tow.
All I can honestly tell you is to be proud of you. We have come this far and too many haven’t. Plus I am correcting one mistake this fall. I’m going back to college. And I won’t quit because this time my kids will be in the audience to see me.
I wouldn’t miss it for the world!