I have always journaled. For over 45 years now that I think on it. I began at about 15 years old and I’m currently 51 so. It has always been a passion for me. I have had a long love affair with the paper and the pen. It is my form of meditation and it is deeply embedded in my soul. I don’t feel whole if I have not written each day. I’ve had countless journals and my life is written down in many forms. I don’t only write. I paint, collage and draw as well. Whatever catches my eye, mind or heart ends up between the pages eventually. Here are a few of my current journals.
We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.
- I want to want more than I need.
I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.
- Chose you first.
No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.
- Be ok with being alone
I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me.
I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.
Life is a wheel
As I sit here now I realize how true that statement is. We are at one time children living our lives with little idea of what to expect because we have never lived before.
We don’t know what’s supposed to be now or what’s supposed to be next.
We live wanting guidance but at the same time not wanting anyone to tell us what to do because we think we know when we know nothing, not really.
We know we are here and we know we are small
We know we have to follow directions and do it right so the big people won’t get mad at us and give us less directions allowing us a little more freedom, freedom we crave to keep the wheel turning if we ever want to get to be the big people giving the little people directions, and we want that so bad when we are little people don’t we?
I remember being the little person and I was not a fan. I always wanted to be the big person, the one to give the directions. I think it’s because I have too may bad memories about being the little person, the vulnerable one, the one without power taking bad directions that I could not deviate from.
When I became the big person I almost became the dictator, before the dream that is. the dream where my son was begging for my help because my mom was threatening to hit him.
How I cried after that dream.
How I changed.
I broke the cycle in so many pieces it can never be put back together.
I pulverized it and crushed it into so much dust that its molecules could never be reconstructed.
I took myself and rebuilt myself. It was not easy, I’d been scattered.
As I found the pieces I sewed them together with golden thread, the good moments.
I sewed all my broken pieces, it took years but I and built a better me, a stronger version infused with the little person and wrote my own directions.
I have been a mother for what seem like most of my life. My three, now grown children were the essence of what I did and where I went for now twenty seven years of my life and I would not trade it for the world. Seeing them grow has been my privilege and blessing. Being a parent gives you a new perspective on life and all its trials give you strength you never thought you might possess. Still life comes with changes and my greatest change has arrived, an empty nest! That trial that all mothers and fathers eventually go through after spending half their lives raising children. It isn’t easy trust me I’m sure there are many parent out there that have no idea what to do with themselves after their children have gone.
I was one of those parents. I was stuck in the role of being a mom and being there for my children was all I did. That’s what moms do and we don’t regret it one bit. I am very proud of all of my children and I am honored to have devoted my time to them, that’s why I had them. Still the time has come for me to write a better story for myself. It’s time to dream of a future of my own. There are still many blessings to look forward to. You, We still have a life to live. one that hopefully has many years left. As a woman I find we need a sisterhood of women to help us do this. A place to develop all the other talents we may have hidden or placed on the back burner to attend our loved ones. A group of like minded individuals to push us forward in our new adventure. We need mentors and a process by which to navigate and go to our destiny. This is your time!
What’s your story? What do you want for you? What is your dream?
Now, Go. Find it. Do it. Be it! I am with you.
An empty page is an intimidating thing. I sit here before a blank screen just as blank. What to do? I have a blog and no feeling to write. This is a forced exercise to say something so I figure I will just speak to you all. It’s Sunday afternoon and I am in my office looking at everything that surrounds me.
I have a desk I bought in pieces, which my man helped me put together. It’s two horses and four planks and he screwed them in so it’s very sturdy. I drew all over it too. I find it beautiful and suits me to a t. I have my own printer/ scanner and typewriter. There are also a multitude of gadgets such as an ipad, iphone, samsung note 3, samsung 10.1 pad and a samsung chrome book. Suffice it to say that I don’t need anymore electronics. Life was simpler when I just had pen and paper. I found it so much easier to write. I came to the page with a pen and a dream, and I wrote.
It seems now that with social media it’s as if everything which needs to be said gets said throughout the day on twitter with its 140 characters, on instagram with a photo or on facebook with a combination of both so what would I have to say that you’d like to hear? What have I not said before?
I know! My life. That I have not said before and it is uniquely to me and so I will tell toy my life from now on. We will go to the very beginning as far as I can remember. This will be my story so no one else will have it. There will be no replications of it, it will be me in my entirety. I am happy to share. I shall give you me. I hope you’re ready because I don’t know that I am but I have waded into the water now and there is no going back. The life and opinions of elliebloo is now born. Like it or not.
Here I come.
It is so true that the people who come into our lives can change us. They can alter us in ways we don’t even see until they have been gone too long for us to remember.
Those who have loved us fitfully can alter us to be better lovers just as those who have hurt us can transform us into bitter souls who only remember pain. I wonder is it really up to us to allow someone to change us or do circumstances ingrained into our psyche transform us whether we like it or not?
I, as many of us have gone through a lot in my life. I have been hurt and disappointed by friends, family or lovers many times over and I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that those situations have altered me and the way I commune with people. I know they have.
I know that I am quick to put up a wall, to look into things where there might be nothing or to over think a situation until it resembles nothing near the facts.
I know that I am quick to react and cut people off if I even slightly smell an odor of untruth about them and boy am I good at it too!
I know that I can be quick to judge a person who’s hurt me in the past and even quicker at not trusting them again.
Still, I am also quick to love and despite my own instincts I am quick to trust until I am given a reason not to. I am quick to listen. I learn.
The most interesting thing for me is that I know what has changed me and actively work on the negative aspects of it. I often stand on the sidelines of myself and reflect on my reactions to what affects me and I try. I can’t say I catch them all even when I’m aware but I can say I try. I try to not allow other people’s actions to change who i am at my most basic.I try not to allow my previous experiences to stain my present or future negatively.
I try to stay true to me and to you. That’s a beginning.