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Journals

I have always journaled. For over 45 years now that I think on it. I began at about 15 years old and I’m currently 51 so. It has always been a passion for me. I have had a long love affair with the paper and the pen. It is my form of meditation and it is deeply embedded in my soul. I don’t feel whole if I have not written each day. I’ve had countless journals and my life is written down in many forms. I don’t only write. I paint, collage and draw as well. Whatever catches my eye, mind or heart ends up between the pages eventually. Here are a few of my current journals.

My current journals
writing

Acceptance

We broke up last year I think it was and for me it was devastating. It really hurt me you know? And I really hadn’t written about it until now except for calling him every name in the book when I journaled. I needed to grow and heal from it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough time to heal when we leave someone. Especially someone we gave so much to, but now that I have done the work I can see where it all went wrong and that it only went the way it did because I nurtured and allowed it. I did too much too fast. I gave all I had with little appreciation allowing him, in turn, to expect it as the norm. I took nothing for myself and submitted to him thinking submission meant to love. What I did not know was that to a taker all that means is easy prey. For all my strengths I played the wounded doe very well and the lion came and I fed him well. He ate his fill too and left the carcass when he was done. He left some bones and gristle which I used to rebuild myself slowly. It wasn’t easy but I was committed to learning me and the lessons this episode in my life taught me. It taught me a lot. Lessons I thought I already knew, that I was too old to be blind to. Still, I decided to dig deep and work on me. No love relationships. I needed a serious break and I have taken it. These are the three most important lessons I have learned.

  1. I want to want more than I need.

I have learned that need can bring you to desperate acts. It can make you give to depletion. The thought that you might need something can make you neglect not only your own needs but also the boundaries you have in place to protect yourself. it can make you lose balance and forget yourself to the point of losing yourself in the quest to fulfill someone else’s needs.

  1. Chose you first.

No matter what, you are left with you. Whether it works or not everything must rest well with you. Be happy with you and your choices before you even get into a relationship so that nothing can hurt you as much as it would otherwise. So that you’re able to make those hard choices when you recognize when something is not working for you.

  1. Be ok with being alone

I feel in order to be happy about sharing your life you must be happy and ok with being alone. it took me a long time and a lot of work to be all right with being alone. it took time to realize that I could not be content with anyone unless I was happy alone first because it is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy. This is a hard lesson for most of us to learn and understand because all our lives we are told that one day we will find the perfect person who will make us happy. We are never told to be happy first before we even think of bringing someone else into our life. To work on ourselves from the inside out and make certain all is well within first. We are often left to figure it out alone and after many failures, if we’re lucky we finally find our way and understand that there can really be no us until I am really me, wholely and completely me. 

I grapple with these lessons in every relationship still but that’s the point, isn’t it? Life is learning. Becoming, and I have become so much stronger, wiser, and able to take my steps with a certainty that I have not had before and for that I am grateful.

writing

An invitation

Hello my fellow bloggers. I  am here to invite you to my new poetry blog http:// poeticallybloo.wordpress.com I know some of you used to follow my last poetry blog which I decided to close down due to expenses I could not afford at the moment and I hope you will come to partake of my poetry here.  I will most definitely follow your page with my new blog in return.  Thank you in advance for your continued support.

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The intended recipient

I write every day. I don’t blog every day because it becomes monotonous for me. I don’t have something great to say every day and for me it’s best to share quality. I keep the quantity for myself. That’s why journaling is so good for me. I don’t share that.  They’re just a record of my life mundane and ordinary for we all can’t be Anais Nin who, to me has the best journals I have read thus far. Still what I do share, for me has to have a point because I want it to reach someone even if its just one person and resonate. I want whoever reads it to get where I’m coming from and maybe even see things in a way they hadn’t before. That’s one of the reasons I write. Lets face it, we all just want to be heard. We all want to connect in one way or other with our fellow readers even if its just one. We want to give that one the best we have. I know we would all love to touch millions with our writing and believe me so do I but it makes me feel very happy and grateful when the person my message was meant to reach absolutely gets it and appreciates its meaning and hopefully it did something  for them. If I’m lucky that happens. And I believe that that’s why it was written , to reach that person. The one person that needed to hear it most. I’m good with that. I know that most of us get discouraged when we write something we love and deem important and it hardly gets read. I know I have felt this way many times  but then I get that comment from that one individual who it touched and who did get and I realize, it got to where it needed to get. The right audience received it. We can ask for no more than that. So if you’re feeling discouraged I urge you to keep writing. Write about what resonates with you. Because what resonates with you will definitely resonate with someone else as well. More than that it will be well written since it’s from the heart. So keep the pen on the page. Someone is waiting on your words

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Broken Love

 

You love me as flowers do

beautiful yet, unpredictable

you do know that flowers die?

and offer no comfort but to the ground

where after they lie

shedding their seeds to the wind

men often do too

after their promises and wishes are wasted

when the woman becomes blind to lies

or bribes… false love can often make do

but you love me true, of course you do

this love is brand new

and my design is still new to you, you’ve yet to travel my high ways

you’ve yet to taste my dew

I’ve yet to destroy the charm in you

in time, but for now

I love you too

fool…..